


Farce Nights at Freddy's

by Wherever_Girl



Series: ATF's Own Stories (Enter At Own Risk) [2]
Category: Five Nights at Freddy's
Genre: Crack Fic, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wherever_Girl/pseuds/Wherever_Girl
Summary: From Fanfiction to AO3, it's our favorite FNAF gang going through insane antics of an immortal, ageless, psychic, and no-doubt-insane author!ATF gets a job as a night-guard at the famous pizzeria, and it's nothing but pure crack from there.
Series: ATF's Own Stories (Enter At Own Risk) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858015
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. Night Guard for Hire

**Author's Note:**

> At long last, I've managed to bring this story to AO3! 
> 
> This story will include: Abandoned logic, various cameos, drunk humor, crazed antics caused by powdered sugar, and the death of a toilet. Read with caution!
> 
> Note: If you are expecting a well-written story dedicated to the lore of FNAF... it's best to look somewhere else because this is just pure insanity. XD

Title: **Farce Nights At Freddy's**  
Category: Games » Five Nights at Freddy´s  
Author: Anti-Twilight Forever  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/Parody  
Published: 01-21-16, Updated: 10-28-18  
Chapters: 8, Words: 20,128

~55555~

Our story opens outside a popular pizzeria, Freddy Fazbear's (aka, the 'Haunted Chuck E. Cheese Knock-Off' establishment), where the manager was speaking to the company lawyer. Behind them, a couple paramedics were wheeling out a mangled body covered by a sheet, while police were scouting around.

"This is the 15th guard this month!" Mister Manager cried out. "How is it that every time we hire a new guard, they either end up dead, fired, or quitting due to automatonophobia?!"

"Well, there does seem to be a pattern with that last one," the lawyer stated, looking over some files. "At least 3 past-security guards claimed that the animatronics were trying to kill them- one of them was found having shit his pants, claiming the 'Foxy' robot was two inches from gouging out his eyeballs… and that mysterious new ‘Purple’ animatronic we found was trying to strangle him five minutes later."

The manager only shook his head. "It's all because we have to let the animatronics roam at night so they don't freeze up during the day- and with the guards having to stay up all night, their nerves probably get to them… especially with all these killer-doll films coming out." He looked back at the ambulance. "Besides, I want to know who is killing the other guards! …you think it's the kid we hired to clean the ball-pit?"

"I'd put my money on the guys at McDonalds…"

The police came walking out. "Well, we found no sign of who did it. All we know is that there was blood on that Purple Freddy bot's hands, a piece of the torn furniture in the Springtrap's teeth…and a severed hand pierced on Foxy's hook," the first police officer replied.

His deputy chuckled. "How sad is it that you know the names of all the robots?" he commented.

The officer gave his partner a glare. "Considering we're called here almost every other week, it's not that surprising!"

"Do you think that the rumors are true?" a third officer asked. "About the animatronics killing the guards…"

"McMurphy, you've been watching too many horror movies! The real culprit is obviously trying to make us THINK the robots are killing people,"

"I'm wondering why we haven't called in a private investigator by now…" the lawyer muttered.

"We tried, but he ended up freaking out about Bonnie coming at him and was sent to the loony-bin," the deputy stated.

"Whatever the reason is, it better get solved soon!" the manager exclaimed, a bit frustrated. "Due to all these assaults, panic-attacks, and deaths, we're under threat of being shut down AGAIN!"

"Quite right," the lawyer stated, looking over another document. "Several families of the past guards are claiming to press charges, a few employees are planning to quit, no one will fill out the application for the job due to all the stories going around, and unless the mystery gets solved- or the next guard can last more than two weeks without going into shock or dying- we'll be forced to close down operation,"

"It's a tough case to crack," the first police officer stated. "We've been on patrol outside day and night, but no one's been caught going in or coming out during the times of the night shift. Whoever is behind these murders is either quite stealthy, or has one hell of a method!"

"Well who the heck can we hire for the night-shift?!" the Manager demanded.

"Maybe someone who can't die," the deputy joked.

"Oh, knock it off, O'Ryan!" the first officer snapped. "Someone who can't die… Who were you thinking of?!"

*descending whistle*

"What in the world…?"The police, the manager, the lawyer, and the paramedics looked up-

*Crash!*

…just as a random 13-year-old came falling and landing on the hood of one of the squad cars! Glass stuck in his face and it appeared his arm was broken… yet he still stood up, smiling. "Hi there! My name's Ezekiel Joshua Zechariah- but you can call me ATF. I'm here for the night-guard position?" he said casually… as his bleeding face began to heal.

Everyone, of course, just stared…

"HOLY SHIT, A DEMON! AAAUUUGGHHH!" the deputy shrieked, diving behind the squad car and having his pistol out. "I knew I should've dipped my bullets in Holy Water for this!"

"Calm down, gentlemen. I'm not a demon. I'm as Christian as the rest of you," ATF said.

"I'm Jewish," one of the paramedics stated.

"I'm Catholic," the third officer replied.

"I'm confused…" the lawyer said, a bit baffled.

ATF rolled his eyes. "Okay, most of you. I heard that you were needing a new security guard- as your current one has called in… er, deceased," he said, looking at the dead body in the ambulance. "…by the way, shouldn't you guys be dropping him off at the morgue?"

"What the heck kind of kid are you?!" the manager demanded. "You just… fell from the sky, landed on a car-"

"…which you'll be paying for…" the first officer muttered, looking at the kid-shaped dent.

"…and yet you're standing around talking as if it never happened!"

ATF shrugged. "Yeah, well, when you can't die, you get used to it. …So, do I get the job or what?"

"Er... n-not so fast! How did you know the job position was open so fast?!"

ATF scoffed. "Are you kidding? Half the people in town make bets on how long the guards last at this place! …That, and I happen to be psychic,"

"Great. We need a new guard and we end up with an immortal Shawn Spencer," the lawyer scoffed.

"Why not give him a shot? He could help us figure out what's going on at this place," the first officer suggested.

"Yeah, by the way… why haven't you guys just looked at the security footage?" the lawyer asked.

"We have… but with the cameras glitching or screens going out, it's hard to tell what's going on!" the deputy said, then rubbed his chin. "…that, and that creepy-looking Marion animatronic keeps blocking the view at times…"

"Alright, fine, you can have the job- whatever keeps us out of a lawsuit! Just don't die and make sure you find whoever's committing these murders and make them suffer!" the manager exclaimed.

ATF grinned a mischievous grin, his eyes shifting towards the Purple Freddy which was placed near the window. "Oh, I plan to…"

"What was that?"

"I said I plan to get started right away, sir!"ATF gave a salute. "Now then, if you need me, I'll be stocking up on soda and candy bars to help me stay awake tonight!" He then opened a portal and dived through it.

Everyone blinked. "That is no normal kid…" the lawyer said.

"No shit!" everyone else shouted.

~55555~

Meanwhile inside the pizzeria, the Purple animatronic was gazing out the window, walking as ATF walked away.

No one knew where this animatronic had come from; one day a couple employees were going down to the basement to smoke po--- I mean, ‘check inventory’, when a stack of boxes toppled over and revealed a Purple robot that looked a lot like a man and seemed to be brand new. The manager decided to have it hauled upstairs and called it, ‘Vincent Purple the Security Guard’, claiming they could make his ‘character personality’ like that of an Elf on the Shelf who reports children who have been naughty (and be just as frickin’ creepy).

Little did anyone know that this animatronic had been a real security guard once… and after a *ahem* ‘tragic incident’, had spent the last several years rebuilding himself. True, he was stuck in a comatose state during the day, but at night… that’s when his true colors were revealed. (No pun intended, folks).

 _So, a little kid thinks he can handle being a security guard, huh?_ He thought. _Well, then… let's see just how strong he is-_

A portal opened in front of him and a pie hit him in the face, killing whatever suspense he was aiming for.

"See you tonight, _Purple Man_ ," ATF said with a wink, before closing the portal.

If the animatronic was allowed to move freely during the day… chances are he would scream in rage.

But he couldn't, so he'd have to wait until tonight.

The Pizzeria was in for one heck of a night-shift…

~55555~

**A/N: And that's the intro! Don't worry, we'll be getting to some funny stuff soon ;)**

**Note: Yes I know there’s a lot of lore that Purple Man is Springtrap and blah de blah, but I never heard about it until way after this story was started. I’m sticking with the idea that Purple was once a corrupt security guard who kidnapped/killed kids, and Springtrap is William Afton--- the bastard who started it all. I just turned Purple Man into an animatronic so they can both suffer together XD**

**Also, just so you know I've never really played the games (I can't handle survival-horror too well- thankfully I have friends who can *shout-out to you, Fanatic97 and Tracker78!*). The setting will be kind of AU, as it will follow the theme of the first three games, but not the fourth. This is mainly because I want to stick to a few basic characters- Freddy, Foxy, Chica, Bonnie, Springtrap, Golden Freddy, and Purple Man, with cameos by Marion and Mangle. The plushies will not be used… but I may give a reference to them as their adorableness cannot be ignored.**

**And rather than each animatronic being possessed by the ghost of a dead kid, I instead decided to go with the idea that the robots are sentient and have their own personalities. (I’m not the first one to use that idea, I won’t be the last, so lets just roll with it!)**

**Keep in mind, this is pure crack, so if a few things seem stupid, just go along with it and laugh. The reviews are no place for nit-picking lore when you’re reading a fic where lethal robots are dealing with shenanigans!**

**Now then… *puts on night-guard cap* Time to get ready for my shift in the next chapter!**


	2. First Night on the Job

** NIGHT 1 **

** Enter: The Security Guard… Kid? **

ATF showed up at the pizzeria at 7 PM… which the manager found odd as he didn't really tell the kid about the schedule. "How did you know when to get here?!" the manager asked.

"Psychic," ATF answered while pointing at his head, bouncing his eyebrows.

The manager sighed. "Right… whatever. Okay, here are your instructions," they began walking around the pizzeria. "The animatronics are 'OFF' at the moment, but their servos will kick in and they will begin to roam around at night. We have to do this so their servos don't lock up during the day. We haven't worked out all the bugs with their settings, so when they see a human they believe it to be an endoskeleton without a costume and try to shove it into a spare suit; though if they come towards the office, just turn on the hallway light or shine a flashlight on them to reboot their sensors, and that will have them go back to their positions. Also, we have audio-settings on the computer, so if they come too close just play a sound on there to lure them away. …Are you listening?"

ATF, who was actually standing on the stage and taking selfies by Freddy Fazbear, turned his attention back to the manager. "Lights, camera, action- got it!" he said, hopping down and walking over to the security room.

"(I swear if I wasn't under lawsuit threat…) Alright, that about covers everything. Just keep the place locked up, keep an eye on the monitors, don't mess with the system-"

"…no inviting boys over, no snacks after 7:30, and everyone has to be in bed by 8," ATF joked.

"This isn't some babysitting job, kid! I'm serious!"

"No… THIS is Sirius!" ATF then held up a picture of Sirius Black. "All joking aside- you've got nothing to worry about, Mister Manager!"

"…pardon me if I'm not reassured. Just make sure the place doesn't burn down!"

"Don't repeat history- I'm on it!"

Rubbing his face, the manager decided to leave the kid to the job and go home, where he would open a bottle of Scotch, turn on the football game, and take some aspirin.

ATF entered the security room, where he shut the door- thankfully the place decided to finally put one in- and looked at the monitor, changing the scenes. "Let's see… who should I pick on first?" he asked himself.

~55555~

Bonnie stood at his location, watching as Freddy began to move. "Hey, Fred, did ya hear the news? There's another night-guard here!" Bonnie said to him.

Freddy gasped in delight. "How delightful!"

Bonnie sighed. "No, Freddy, it's NOT delightful- remember, we're supposed to ATTACK the night-guard!"

"Oh… why?"

"Because of that incident that took place years ago where some douche killed a bunch of kids! And you know what happens when some guard is axing off kids?"

Freddy paused, thinking.

Bonnie gave him a look. "It means we have no one to entertain, Freddy!"

Freddy gasped. "Oh no!"

"Oh yes! We have to make sure the new night-guard leaves, or mangle him!"

"Huh?" Mangle asked from the ceiling.

"…you know what I mean!"

Freddy gave a salute. "You can count on me, ma'am!" he then took off.

Bonnie gave a glare. "I'M A GUY!"

"Then why are you named 'Bonnie'?" ATF asked, suddenly standing next to him!

"Look, I didn't pick my name, the manufacturers who made me picked it out!" He then paused, looking at ATF. "HEY!"

"HI!" ATF then threw a pie into his face, stunning him; he then stood by him and took a selfie. "Smile for my DA watchers!" he then hopped down, taking off running.

"Get back here, you little creep!"

Bonnie ran after the nut-job of a 13-year-old, running down to the security office where he was sure the kid went…

…though ATF really ran into 'Kid's Cove', stifling a snicker. "Classic gag #37: easily evading a doof-"

*Thud!*

He wasn't watching where he was going, and bumped into another animatronic, Foxy. "Who be trespassin' on me turf?!" The pirate fox snarled, then got a good look. "Why it be the new security guard! Allow me to welcome you on your first night on the job- AND YOUR LAST NIGHT ALIVE!" he then raised his hook.

"OH MY GOSH!" ATF screamed as the hook came down… but zipped to Foxy's side, his eyes wide and having a smile on his face. "I can't believe it! It's… It's… It's JACK SPARROW!"

Foxy blinked in confusion. "Say that again, lad?"

"Oh, sorry, my mistake- I mean CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!" ATF then hooked his arm around Foxy's neck, pulling him down and- yes- taking a selfie. "Say 'Savvy'!"

"Whaa…?!"

*CLICK!*

With it being so dark in the cave, ATF used the flash…

Foxy didn't react well.

"GAH! ME EYES!" he rubbed his eyes, then clenched his fist, raising his hook. "You're going to regret that, ye little brat!" He paused, seeing that ATF had disappeared! "Argh, where'd he go?!" he ran down the tunnel in a rage. "I'm gonna keelhaul that kid!"

He ran out, coming across Bonnie. "Dammit, where is he?!" the robo-bunny was snarling.

"Ye be looking for that new guard too?"

"Yeah- no idea where he went though." Bonnie looked to the ceiling. "YO! MANGLE!"

Mangle dropped down. "Yeah? What is it?" she asked in her electronic/warped voice.

"Any sign of the security guard anywhere?"

Mangle pointed to the right. "I saw someone running to the kitchen,"

"The kitchen?" Foxy gasped. "That boy be having a death wish!"

"…only if he touches the cupcakes"

*In The Kitchen…*

ATF was eating a couple cupcakes. "And the ironic thing is, I just ate some on the way over!" he said to the audience. He then paused. "Hmm, methinks something is amiss here…"

"HEY! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!" came a shout, and Chica appeared. "Those are MY cupcakes!"

ATF scoffed. "How greedy, haven't you ever heard of sharing?"

Chica loomed over him, glaring. " _Give. Them. Back.”_

ATF shrugged… then splattered the cupcakes in her face! "That'll teach you some manners, Chica-Boom!" with that and a laugh, he fled the kitchen… though returned, grabbed two more cupcakes, and ran.

Chica seethed, just as Foxy and Bonnie ran in. "Let me guess- the brat got you too?" Bonnie asked.

"He… took… my… cupcakes!" Chica seethed. 

"Oh yeah. He's be suicidal," Foxy noted.

~55555~

Meanwhile, Purple was talking to Springtrap in the backroom. "I'm telling you, there's something different about this new security guard…" Purple was saying. "He seems fearless… and it's like he knows all that goes on here-"

"And he's a kid," Springtrap deadpanned. "No, worse- a _teenager_."

"He's a _threat_ , Springtrap- worse than the past security we've had to work with. I have a bad feeling about him…"

"He's a middle-schooler who wanted an easy job… and now he's in for a night of scares. Dealing with him will be easy!"

"He opened a portal and pied me in the face!"

Springtrap arched an eyebrow. "…are you sure you weren't just staring out the window too long?"

"No, Springtrap-"

"Because the sunlight can really mess up your retinas- er, motion-sensors."

Purple only glared. "You know what? Just go after him yourself- you'll see what I'm talking about!"

Springtrap shrugged and walked out.

Purple groaned and massaged his temples… ATF stood next to him, patting him on the back. "They just never listen…" he sighed in sympathy.

"Tell me about it…"

3.

2.

1.

Purple froze, then turned towards ATF. "YOU!" he shouted, then lunged at him.

ATF opened a portal between them, making Purple run through it-

*CRASH!*

…making him hit the wall.

ATF knelt down by him. "…And there's plenty more where that came from, _Vincent."_ He whispered darkly… then leaped in the air, his toes twiddling. "Meep meep!"

*Zoom!*

With clouds of dust in his wake, he took off.

Purple sat up, rubbing his head- never having thought that robots could get headaches.

Oh yeah. He was going to have to keep an eye out for that brat, alright.

~55555~

Deciding to take a break from his shenanigans for a minute, ATF returned to the office… munching on Twinkies© and those cupcakes he snagged from the kitchen, while staring at the monitor, flicking through the staticky screens. "…Geez, you'd think the franchise would've made enough money for them to upgrade their equipment!" he scoffed. He looked, seeing Springtrap coming this way. "Ah, man… always when I'm on a snack-break!"

He went to play some audio… but the screen short-circuited.

"Hmm…" He rolled over in his chair… ending up flipping over and hitting the ground, but stood up alright, checking for system errors on the computer. As it turns out, there was an audio-error and it would take a minute to reboot. "Confound it. THIS is why I don't trust technology,"

" _Security guard, where are you?!"_ came Springtrap's voice.

ATF sighed bitterly. "Man… it's too early to rip off _5 AM At Freddy's_ yet!" he muttered to himself… then gave a jolt as he saw Springtrap at the window. "Gah! …Don't you guys ever knock?!"

"Well, well, well, if it ain't a little kid doing the job… Aren't you a bit young to be working a night-shift?" Springtrap taunted.

ATF only leaned back in his chair, at ease. "Yes, well, with the modern economy I'm surprised they're not making kids get jobs at age 12 yet,"

"You don't get it, do you? We're not ordinary robots- we're killer…"

"Killer robots, blah blah blah, come to life each night like House of Wax, bibbidy bibbidy, ripping off Chuck E. Cheese only less horrifying, yadda yadda… I get it, Bonnie!"

Springtrap sneered. "I'm Springtrap!"

"Really? Huh. You look like Bonnie- only more demented and less feminine,"

*BAM!*

Bonnie popped up, banging his fist on the window. "THAT DOES IT! YOUR NECK GETS SNAPPED NOW!" he screamed, running towards the door.

"Ahoy! Save some for me!" Foxy exclaimed.

ATF looked at the screen, his tongue hanging out, and hit the button…

…though instead of a sound-effect, techno-polka music began to play over the speakers.

"GAAAAAHHH! WHAT IS THAT SOUND?!" Springtrap screamed.

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S MESSING UP MY SENSORS!" Bonnie yelled, shielding his ears.

"IT BE THE DEVIL'S MUSIC!" Foxy yelled. "ABANDON SHIP!"

"WE'RE IN A PIZZERIA!"

"THEN ABANDON BUILDING!"

"THE DOORS ARE LOCKED!"

"THEN SOMEONE TURN OFF THOSE BLASTED- oh there we go,"

The music momentarily stopped, and the robots turned to ATF. "Alright, kid, you're in for it now! That little stunt is going to get your skull crushed!" Springtrap snarled.

ATF rolled his eyes innocently. "Oh, really? Because I brought some OTHER music we can listen to!" he exclaimed… holding up a _Toybox_ album.

The animatronic's eyes got wide. "Is he serious?!" Bonnie stammered.

"I think he is!" Springtrap gasped.

"It has to be a bluff!" Foxy sneered. "No one can handle that level of annoying-"

ATF popped in the album, and the "Superstar" song began to play.

_ ~I am a Superstar _

_ With a big-big house and a big-big car _

_ I am a superstar _

_ And I don't care who you are~ _

"MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!" Bonnie screamed.

"We're robots! We can't bleed!" Springtrap pointed out.

"Well if we could, it would be better than hearing this crap!"

"I don't know about ye swabs but I'm getting outta here!" Foxy yelled, running off.

Springtrap slammed his fist on the window. "This isn't over, punk!" he snarled, running out.

"Someone have Freddy fire up the karaoke machine, and put on some 'Van Halen'!" Bonnie called as he ran.

ATF scoffed, leaning back in his chair and sipping a soda. "And here I thought this job would be- OH MY GOSH!"

He failed to notice Chica come in through the vents… with a knife. "This will teach you to eat other people's snacks!" she snapped, and lunged, stabbing him!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!"

*thud*

ATF dropped to the floor.

Chica scoffed, turned off the music, and walked out.

By this time, Freddy was coming in. "Aww, I missed it!" he whined, seeing the seemingly dead security guard. "*sniffle* And he was so young… Why must they die small?"

ATF sat up. "Actually, I'm fine. Due to my immortality, I can survive any kind of attack…" he took out the knife. "…still hurts like a bee-sting though,"

"Oh, good! …Er, wait, is it good?" Freddy scratched his head. "I mean… you are the security guard, aren't you?"

ATF took off the hat, replacing it with a party-hat. "I'm on break. Wanna jam?"

"Sure- *Gasp!* Is that a Toybox album? I love those guys!"

"Awesome-sauce! Let's kick it!"

And so ATF played "Toybox" the whole shift, dancing with Freddy.

None of the animatronics went near the security office in fear of brain- er, servo-damage.

~55555~

_ 6:00 AM the next day… _

The Manager arrived, seeing that almost all the animatronics were back in their stations… and for some reason were wearing ear-muffs, and someone wrote 'Death To Toybox' near Bonnie's area.

He entered the office. "Hey, Zeke, what happened last ni-" he began to ask.

…pausing when he saw the security guard standing near Freddy (who seemed to be 'listening' to a "Toybox" album on an ipod while frozen in a dance-pose), and the teenager was sitting at the desk, staring at the security screen with bloodshot eyes, and having 38 cans of Redbull littered around him.

"Too… much… sugar…" ATF groaned, before holding his mouth and running to the nearest restroom to hurl.

The manager sighed. "Well… At least he's still alive," he muttered.

~55555~

** A/N: And it will only get more interesting from here ;) **

** Also, no making requests for pranks- I would not be able to keep track of them anyway. **

** So there was my attempt at some hilarity- hopefully it wasn't TOO bad. xD **

** I was going to use some modern pop-star songs to poke fun at… but considering those gags are old, I decided to turn to music that I found on Youtube that's annoying- and kind of catchy, depending on who you are XD **

** Next night, will I manage to avoid getting killed? Which animatronic will get it next? Stay tuned! **

** *flamers will be executed* **


	3. Bring Your Pet to Work Day!

**NIGHT 2**

" **That Darned Cat's Owner!"**

Safe to say, after the result of last night, the manager posted a rule that all employees cannot bring energy drinks to work, and can have only a minimum of 2 cups of coffee during their shift.

A lot of the day-time employees (who had to deal with hyperactive, bratty kids during opening hours) found this to be bullshit and started putting out new applications, in order to find a job with more benefits AND that would help them avoid having to live in their parent's basement.

But, anywho…

ATF showed up for work, after a long day of sleep (courtesy of crashing from his sugar intake last night) and came in… wearing a top-hat. "Night-guard reporting for duty, sir!" he said, while adjusting his hat when it tilted.

"Alright, kid, I don't want a repeat of last night's incident. I want all the animatronics at their stations by 7 AM, and no messing around like you did last night- took 3 hours to clean up that paint-job near Bonnie's area; and if you're going to play music, remember to take your ipod home- the day-guard accidentally put music on and all the parents in the place suffered brain damage why are you wearing a top-hat?" The manager was saying, suddenly noticing that his new employee's choice of headwear.

ATF looked at his top-hat, then thumbed at Freddy. "It looks good on him, doesn't it?"

The manager sighed, rubbing his temples. "Forget I asked… Just no screwing around tonight! And keep an eye out for any vandals, especially the murderer!"

"You know, I was thinking… isn't it possible the animatronics ARE behind the murders? I mean you just told me in the last chapter that they shove people into mechanical suits, which results in killing them."

"We would have guessed that… except recently all the guards haven't been shoved into suits! We just wrote those other deaths off as fault of employees not following orders-"

' _Mew'_

"Isn't that a bit unfair?" ATF asked. "I mean, what if they had the runs and had to run to the nearest bathroom? Or what if they thought they saw someone breaking in and went to investigate? Or what if they had to run out of the building because they received word that their wife went into labor with their first child, and they needed to get to the hospital ASAP? …Besides, if your machines are stuffing people in places, the fault would be on the company for not hiring someone to give them an upgrade so that doesn't happen. Much less update the cameras so they're not all glitchy."

' _Mew'_

"Considering we have a low budget, I suggest you shut your mouth- otherwise next time we have to make cut-backs, one of them will be your paycheck!" The manager sneered.

' _Hiss!'_

The manager paused. "What the heck is that noise?"

"I didn't hear anything. Better get going, boss, the night- unlike me- won't stay young forever!" ATF said, ushering the manager to the door, while keeping a hold on his top-hat. "Have a nice night see you in the morning BYE!"

"Whoa-waugh!" the manager screamed, tripping on the way out and crashing into some trash bins.

ATF then locked the door and ran to the office, gripping his hat. "Ow, ow, watch the claws- we're almost there!" he was snapping at it. Once he was in the office, he took it off, revealing a small gray kitten with dark-gray stripes, a white underbelly, white paws, and bright green eyes. "Geez, Captain Sprinkles, you're the most impatient kitty ever!"

"Mew," Captain Sprinkles replied, walking around the desk before hopping down and running to the door.

ATF shut the door before she could get out. "Not so fast, you silly mini-mew. You can't leave the office while daddy is working- there's killer robots out there,"

"Mew?"

"No, not the Terminator."

"Mew?"

"Not the Decepticons."

"Mew?"

ATF gave a deadpanned look. "No, I'm not ripping off that classic Spongebob episode… just stay in here! I actually have a job for you," he picked her up, carrying her to the monitors. "I need your sharp cat-eyes to keep an eye on the monitors, while I go around and harass the animatronics when they come to life,"

Captain Sprinkles cocked her head in confusion. "Mew?"

"Just watch the monitors and you'll see; it'll be like watching cartoons- the cleverly written ones, not the ones that kill brain cells by the second,"

The kitten rolled her eyes. "Mew, mew."

"Just you watch- whoop, the machines are waking up. Time to cause headaches!" With that, ATF opened a portal outside the office and dove through.

Captain Sprinkles looked at the monitors, watching as her owner followed behind Springtrap, mimicking his walk, doing that classic gag where you stay behind someone even as they turn around.

The kitten got bored and looked around, seeing the open vent…

No, kitty, don't do it! D8

…oh, yep, she did it.

~55555~

Chica was walking around the ball pit area, just as Bonnie came walking over. "No sign of that rotten kid, yet. You think he decided to just hang around the office tonight?" Bonnie asked.

"I doubt it. I stabbed the twerp last night, and he was still alive the next morning! …So much for getting rid of another night-guard," Chica scoffed. "We might be shit outta luck with this one,"

"No kidding- especially if he plays any of that techno-polka crap again!"

Chica sighed. "I dunno… this routine is getting a bit old. Just walking around, waiting to kill someone… I mean, we have the whole place to ourselves at night! Why not just hang around and relax, before we have to entertain a bunch of kids again?"

Bonnie grinned, brushing his long ears back. "Well, Chi, you've convinced me- how about we go into the ball-pit and do a bit of messing around?" he put his arm around her shoulders.

She sneered. "Sorry- I'm not a lesbian," with that, she walked away.

Bonnie gawked, then clenched his fists. "I'm a guy and you know it!"

ATF stood by him, shaking his head. "You clearly have to work on your A-Game, bro." he commented.

Bonnie turned sharply. "You! I'm going to mangle you!"

"What?" Mangle asked, dropping down.

"Not you- help me catch this kid!"

"Whoop!" ATF exclaimed, doing a back-wards dive into the ball-pit. Bonnie ran in after him, searching where he landed. ATF popped up on the other side. "Bazinga!" he threw a ball at Bonnie's head, and the animatronic ran over just as he dove back down, popping up on another side. "Bazinga!" he chucked another ball at him.

Bonnie grew pissed every second. "You little asshole!"

Mangle just watched, as ATF popped up from different sides, shouting Sheldon Cooper's popular line while chucking balls at Bonnie, and the rabbit-bot running to every corner. Her eyes tried to follow every move, until she got dizzy. She then looked, seeing ATF hanging upside down next to her, watching as Bonnie continually searched the ball-pit.

ATF looked at Mangle, smiled, then handed her a red ball before dropping through a portal and disappearing.

"What a weird kid," Mangle stated.

~55555~

Meanwhile, Freddy was walking around, when he bumped into Golden Freddy. "Oof! …Oh, hi, big bro! How's it going?" Freddy asked.

"Fred, what's this I hear about you partying with the night-guard last night?!" Gold asked, arms crossed. "You KNOW we're supposed to be getting rid of him!"

"Oh, don't worry- he was on break so it was okay!" Freddy answered.

Gold gave a deadpanned look. "On break… for FIVE HOURS?!"

Freddy gave a shrug. "I guess he lost track of time,"

Gold slapped his forehead. "Fred, listen to me. This establishment was built in your name- therefore, you have responsibility to keep that name clean. If we get a night-guard who goes around axing off kids like the last time, we'll be shut down!"

"But… wouldn't we be shut down with all the guards being found dead? I mean, why don't we just, you know, watch them and only kill them if they try to kill someone?"

"Because we can't be too careful… As your older brother, I advise that you run a tight ship- make sure we have animatronics patrolling that office, and striking at every open opportunity! And if you see him out, knock his lights out!"

Freddy looked up, noticing ATF was placing a cupcake on top of Gold's head, the kid giving him a 'shush' gesture as he ducked down.

"Um, Gold?" Freddy began to say.

"What?" Gold asked.

"…there's a cupcake on your head."

Gold sighed. "Freddy, this is no time for jokes! I'm being serious- you have to show a sense of responsibility! Just because the place is named after you doesn't mean you can just-"

"CUPCAKE!" came a shout, and Gold was suddenly tackled by Chica!

ATF stifled a snicker, and took off running.

"I told you so," Freddy scoffed at his brother… who was now unconscious as Chica sat on him, eating a cupcake.

How animatronics can eat sweets, we have no idea- the kid in this story is immortal, ageless and can open portals so we gave up on logic a long time ago! Just keep reading!

~55555~

ATF returned to the office, chuckling. "Oh man, I hope we got that on a clear screen!" he said, switching the monitor to where Gold and Freddy were, rewinding the tape to the point where Gold got tackled by Chica. "Ha ha! Comedy gold- HA! COMEDY 'GOLD'! I just noticed that- GACK!"

Marion suddenly dropped down, strangling him. "DON'T YOU EVER USE PUNS, EVER!" he shouted, before slamming the kid's head on the desk, and taking off.

ATF lied there for a moment, before slowly getting up, his skull-fracture healing. "Well… there went my memory for long division…" he groaned, putting an ice-pack on his head. "Where were you on that one, Captain Sprinkles?"

Silence.

"Captain Sprinkles?"

More silence.

"Mini-mini-mew?"

Still more silence.

ATF looked around the office frantically. "Oh crap! Captain Sprinkles! Where are you?!" he exclaimed, then he noticed the open vent. "Oh… cheese-nips!"

The light in the vent came on, and Foxy appeared! "Aha! I've got ye now ye scurvy-" he began to threaten, sticking his head out.

ATF only grabbed him by the snout and yanked him clean out, throwing him into the wall. "Not now, Long John Silver! My kitty is missing!" he then slipped into the vents. "HANG ON, CAPTAIN SPRINKLES! DADDY'S COMING!"

Foxy remained planted on the wall. "What… the… fuck…?!" he muffled, before falling back, his snout dented into an accordion-fashion. "Ah, great- an' I just had me face polished!" he paused, looking towards the reader. "…Any of ye tell anyone I said that, an' yer ass gets gullied!"

~55555~

Bonnie was still in the ball pit, having thrown all the balls into a pile behind him, growing exhausted. "I know *pant pant* he's still here *wheeze* somewhere…!" he rasped, before falling face-down. "…ah, screw it,"

Springtrap acme walking over… or, more like spinning, as he was continually looking behind him and turning around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and

*thud*

***Please Stand By***

**The Narrator got dizzy and fell down.**

**_Farce Night's At Freddy's_ ** **will continue after this commercial break.**

**Hey, kids! Tired of the cheesy family-environment at Chuck E. Cheeses? Wish that there was a place that you wouldn't regret going to by the time you reach your teen years, much less won't want you to blow your brains out when you have kids of your own who want to continually eat at some pizzeria where they'd get hyped on soda and beg you for money for tolkens?**

**Well, then, come to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria- with animatronics that look like they're ready to eat you at any time, a haunting backstory of a murderous security guard, and prizes that you could buy for $2.00 at Dollar General, you'll face so much excitement that you'll never forget it- not even with the help of therapy!**

**And parents, with animatronics that are guaranteed to cause nightmares, you won't have to worry about your kids running off because they'll never leave your side! And we'll throw in 1 free pizza if they end up bawling their eyes out!**

**So come on down to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria- the one place where the mascots look creepy on purpose!**

***crash!***

**(ATF suddenly runs in front of the camera, holding up a picture of Captain Sprinkles) "If any of you have seen this kitten, please call me at this number-" he began to say.**

" **CUT!" The director shouted. "Guys, I know it's been a slow week, but come on…!"**

***Um… we now return to our story!***

Springtrap fell down by the ball pit, more dizzy than the narrator was. "Ughhh… is that kid behind me?" he asked Bonnie.

"No… he's not in the ball pit either," Bonnie groaned, having thrown every ball into a gigantic pile behind him.

"It's been ten minutes since anyone's screamed in rage… I wonder what he's up to?"

"Maybe he-"

"CAPTAIN SPRINKLES!" ATF exclaimed, popping up from inside the pile. "Heeeeere, kitty kitty kitty!" he climbed out, pushing past Bonnie and Springtrap. "Excuse me Bonnie- more masculine Bonnie!"

"GET HIM!" Springtrap said… but was cut off by a rumbling sound.

Bonnie looked up, seeing that the ball pile was collapsing! "Oh, fuck-!" he gasped. "RUN!"

*insert score from 'The Wilderbeast Stampede' from the Lion King here*

Bonnie and Springtrap ran as fast as they could, trying to outrun the flood of balls. They ran past Chica. "RUN, CHICA!" Bonnie yelled at her.

"What the- WHOA!" Chica screamed, only to get buried in balls. "…what the hell?!"

They ran past Foxy as he was walking out. "What're ye two running fro-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" he cried out, running from the flood and diving in 'Kid's Cove', only to get sealed in by a wall of balls. "…confound it."

Bonnie and Springtrap raced against each other, trying to outrun the balls, racing down the hall to the Security Office.

Let's watch this in slow-motion!

*now insert that one popular score that everyone plays when someone's running in slow-motion*

Bonnie and Springtrap ran as fast as they could, hoisting their legs high up in the air, their expressions shifting into different levels of fear, arms swinging either wildly or bending up and down; at one point, Springtrap ending up slamming into Bonnie's outstretched arm, his leg kicking out and tripping the other mechanical bunny, and they tumbled… falling through a black-and-white checkered ribbon reading 'Finish Line', hitting the ground as the balls buried them.

Once the balls stopped rolling, Gold came walking out with an ice-pack. "Chica, we really need to have a meeting about your eating hab-" he was saying… freezing when he saw that there were colorful balls everywhere! "What the…?! Okay, who made the mess?!"

Mangle lowered down and pointed over. Gold looked, seeing Bonnie and Springtrap stumbling out; Bonnie spat out a yellow ball.

Gold crossed his arms. "Alright, you two- since you love playing in the ball pit so much, you get to spend the whole night making sure each and every one of these balls gets put back in the pit!"

Springtrap and Bonnie groaned. "I really… REALLY hate that kid…" Springtrap muttered.

"Where'd he go any-" Bonnie began to question.

"Sprinkles!?" ATF exclaimed, popping up between them and looking around, before jumping back through a portal- just as Bonnie and Springtrap lunged at him.

*Bam!* Their heads collided, and they hit the ground.

"No slacking on the job!" Gold snapped at them.

~55555~

Captain Sprinkles walked around the pizzeria- fortunate enough to avoid what will be known in the future as the Great Ballavalanche of 2016- exploring the area as most young kitties like to do. A shadow fell over her just then, and she looked up, seeing Purple in front of her!

"Aw, how cute. You know, I like animals as much as I like kids!" Purple stated, then he gave a dark smile. "And I KILL kids…" he then lunged-

Freddy scooped up the kitten (causing Purple to hit the concrete floor), holding her up. "There you are! Your daddy has been looking everywhere for you!" he said, walking off. "HEY, NIGHT-GUARD! I FOUND HER!"

Purple lay on the ground, seeing stars. "…this is why I never had pets…" he said in delusion, before losing consciousness.

~55555~

_~6 AM The Next Day~_

The manager walked in… seeing a few balls littered about, the animatronics Springtrap and Bonnie frozen in the middle of the mess holding brooms and dust-pans, Gold had an ice-pack on his head, Foxy was in the middle of shoveling balls out of his area, Chica was sitting on the ground with a pile of balls surrounding her, and Marion was staring at one of the cameras.

The manager walked into the office… seeing that there was a kitten on the desk, staring at the monitors with ATF. "Alright. Explain!" the manager demanded.

"Marion wouldn't move away from the cameras, and Captain Sprinkles decided to start a staring-contest. So far, no one's blinked," ATF replied, munching on popcorn.

"I meant how did all those balls get out of the ball-pit?!" The manager demanded.

ATF arched an eyebrow, then walked out and looked at the mess. "Huh, that's weird… though I do remember seeing Bonnie in there. Might've been because of him,"

*Snap!*

They looked over… seeing that the broom in Bonnie's grasp suddenly snapped in half.

"Mew," Captain Sprinkles commented, before walking out of the pizzeria.

~55555~

**A/N: The moral of this story—never drop puns around Marion. 0_0**

**Also, I'm going to be taking it easy with Mangle- namely because since she had been scrapped for parts and pretty much ostracized, I feel bad for her. :P**

**Next chapter… the manager forbids me to bring pets into the building T_T**

**Please review; don't flame or you can help Bonnie and Springtrap clean up XD**


	4. Foxy Has A Beer Stash!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Involves DUI... even though ATF has been 13 for several decades. :P

**NIGHT 3**

**Drunken Karaoke FTW!**

The manager had finished hanging a sign that read "No Pets Allowed" (right under the "No More Than 2 Cups of Coffee/Energy Drinks Certified" sign that all the employees hated), when the company lawyer came in later that morning. "So, how's the new recruit working out?" he asked the manager.

"Honestly, I can't tell. He hasn't reported any suspicious characters or claimed the bots are alive, and has been staying alive… The only problem is that he keeps making a mess!" the manager stated, pointing over at a few balls that still lingered about. "I come in finding the balls out of their pit and scattered all over, kittens having staring-contests with puppets, annoying techno-polka music playing over the speakers, the animatronics stuck in weird poses, and graffiti on the walls! I don't know what that kid is up to at night, but it's getting out of hand!"

The lawyer shrugged. "Well, at least no one's been murdered,"

"That's another thing- how do we know this kid isn't an accomplice to whoever's killing the guards? What if all these messes are just a distraction to cover up the crime?!" The manager looked over at the animatronics, suspiciously. "Think about it… ever since he started working here, no one's been killed. What if he was the one killing all the guards in order to get the job, and is trying to sabotage the pizzeria for some sort of scheme?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mister Manager," The lawyer crossed his eyes and rolled his arms- I mean, crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "…That's how Showbiz Pizza went down,"

"Well, it could be true! …I bet the guys at Chuck E. Cheese's is behind it!"

"Look. I've spoken with the police. No one has been seen going in and out, we haven't found any blood on the floor, and the kid you hired has a clean record dating clear back to 1935! As for the messes… shoot, it's a step-up from the other bad publicity! I'd take ball-pit disasters and graffiti over murder and weekly police visits any day!"

The manager sighed. "Yeah, well, if he pulls anything tonight- wait, did you say 1935?! How old is this kid?!"

The lawyer pulled out his laptop, bringing up ATF's profile. "No one knows- he doesn't even know. All anyone knows is that he's been 13 for over 80 years. Hell, he was probably around when the Pizzeria first opened!"

The manager rubbed his chin, eyes shifting in suspicion. "In that case, I wonder why he really wanted this job…"

"Right…. Well, you keep pandering to your suspicion, I have to go help a client sue their brother for setting their car on fire," With that, the lawyer walked off.

The manager paused, arching an eyebrow. "…What?"

~555555~

Once the Pizzeria was closed, ATF walked in. "Night guard, reporting for duty. *sigh*" he mumbled, looking a bit down in the dumps.

"Alright, kid, I don't want ANY mishaps tonight! If I come in and find so much as one ball out of that pit or an animatronic one inch out of place, you can kiss your salary goodbye!" The manager scolded. "I don't know what you do at night, but keep in mind your job is to WATCH the monitors, not goof around!"

ATF gave a half-assed salute. "Sir yes sir… *sigh*"

"And for gosh sakes, keep your pets out of here! One of the patrons came to us complaining because they found kitty doo-doo in the men's bathroom! And furthermore- are you listening?!"

"Sure. *sigh*"

The manager arched an eyebrow. "What's with you?"

"Just a little depressed, sir… I-I'll be fine, no worries. *sigh*"

"It's not you I'm worried about- it's this business! Just make sure nothing shoots to hell!"

"Mm-hmm… *sigh*"

The manager looked at the audience, then at ATF, then shook his head and walked out. "Whatever. As long as he's not making trouble, I don't care what mood he's in."

"Asshole!" one of the readers shouted, and a brick flew through the air and smashed the manager's car windshield!

The manager gawked, then groaned. "…the things I go through to pay for child support…"

ATF, head-down, shuffled towards the office, shut the door behind him, and turned on the monitors-

Seeing Marion staring right at him!

He gave a deadpanned look. "Marion, don't do that…" he mumbled, then unleashed a heavy sigh. "…maybe I should've called in sick…" he then rested his head on the desk.

"NIGHT GUARD! PREPARE FOR A ONE-WAY TRIP TO DAVY JONES LOCKER!" came a shout, and Foxy came running in full throttle! He lunged, and stuck his hook in ATF's back!

ATF barely flinched. "…ow." He said in a bored manner.

Foxy hauled him up in the air, the kid hanging off his hook like a piece of meat. "I'll mess ye up so bad, ye'll look like one o' those bloody props from _Nightmare On Elm Street_! Any last words before I gully an' stuff ya in a Freddy suit?!"

"*sigh* nah, go ahead… maybe it'll keep me comatose for a while…"

Foxy blinked. He noticed that the author kept his head hanging low, wasn't making any snappy comebacks, and his tone was mellow. "Um, kid? Ye know ye be at th' mercy o' a killer animatronic, right?"

"Uh huh. *sigh*"

"…An' me hook his still stuck in yer spinal cord,"

"I know. *sigh*"

"Aren't ye goin' to do a damn thing about it?! Call me by another pirate name at least?!"

"Nah, not in the mood."

Long pause.

"*sigh*"

"ARGH! STOP WIT' THAT INFERNAL SIGHING!" Foxy dropped the author, watching as his back healed up; the author kept his head planted on the desk. Foxy knelt beside him, resting his arm on his shoulder. "Look, I ain't gonna kill anyone who acts like they already died. Tell ol' Foxy what be eatin' ya!"

"It's terrible… I can't talk about it…" ATF groaned. "It's one of those things where you wake up and find out that life sucks. …g-go ahead and slaughter me, Foxy. It'll take my mind off it."

"Oh, no ye don't! I ain't keelhaulin' anyone who's had a bad day!" he grabbed ATF by the arm, hauling him to Pirate's Cove. "C'mon! I've got just th' thing ye need!"

They passed by Bonnie and Freddy. "Hey, Foxy- what're you doing with the night-guard?" Bonnie asked.

"Takin' him to th' back o' my cave to make him feel good!" Foxy hauled ATF to the back of the cave.

Bonnie's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "…Freddy! Call the police!"

"I'm already on it!" Freddy exclaimed, picking up the phone and dialed. "Hello, police?! You gotta send someone here, quick! This is Freddy Fazbear! My friend, Foxy, is taking a kid to the back of his cave and… and…" he paused, and turned to Bonnie. "…What's he doing?"

"Oh, forget it!" Bonnie ran down into Foxy's area. "FOXY! DON'T DO IT! ENOUGH PEOPLE WRITE FAN-FICS ABOUT THIS AS IT IS!"

Freddy dropped the phone and followed suit. On the other line… was a guy working at Pizza Hut. "Um… hello?" he asked, confused.

In the back of the cave, Foxy led ATF over to a prop chest, opening it up and revealing plastic treasure inside. "…You wanted to give me plastic treasure?" he questioned.

"No… Take a gander at this!" Foxy exclaimed, removing the plastic-treasure and showing a hollow compartment… full of beer cans!

ATF arched an eyebrow."You have beer cans in the cave? Why?"

"Oy, if ye had to deal wit' kids climbing on ye, screaming an' bawlin' at one thing or another, getting pizza sauce an' frosting smeared on ya, an' a bunch o' dumbassed teenagers doin' obscene poses wit' ya jus' to have people look at their Facebook pages… ye'd be needin' to get drunk, too."

"But… you're a robot. How can you drink beer?"

"Th' same way ye can get stabbed in th' back an' still be alive- by defyin' logic!" Foxy picked up a can of beer and opened it. "Besides, that 'Bender' bot on Futurama gets away wit' it… NOW DRINK!"

ATF took the can, gave a shrug, then began to drink it.

By this time, Bonnie and Freddy came running in. "Foxy it's bad enough people ship us together you shouldn't set yourself up for-" Bonnie was saying quickly as he entered, then paused when he saw Foxy pulling out a six-pack. "…when did you get that beer?"

"Smuggled it off th' night-guard we had last month. Th' kid here be low in spirits, so I figured a bit o' alcohol would help him forget his troubles," Foxy stated.

Bonnie blinked. "Okay, ONE: Isn't he underage? And TWO: He's been harassing us since Night 1, so why are you even helping him?! And THREE and MOST IMPORTANTLY: Why didn't you ever tell ME you had beer on-hand?!"

"Look, there be no point in killin' someone if they ain't got th' will to live! It would be like shooting dead fish in a barrel!"

"Don't you mean 'shooting fish in a barrel'?" Freddy questioned.

"Nah, otherwise it would be fun!" Foxy opened a can for himself. "Besides, I've been meanin' to get hammered after Chapter 1- may be a bit early in th' story, but I say screw it!"

"…Can't argue with that logic." Bonnie took a can as well.

Freddy shrugged. "Well, if it will help him feel better,"

_~9 cans later…~_

"Okay… who's all buzzed right now?" Bonnie asked.

"…I dunno… is it normal to see two of everything…?" Freddy replied.

"Oh c'mon, lads, we each only had 3 cans! …Methinks ye two can't handle yer alcohol," Foxy scoffed, turning to ATF. "What about ye, boy? Ye holding up?"

"Yeah… but we're out of booze. I'm solely disappointed in reality right now…" ATF groaned.

"Let's go out an' buy more!" Bonnie exclaimed.

"Do I look like I'm made of money?! …besides, they'd check for ID's an' we ain't got shit," Foxy sneered.

"Let's go check the kitchen," Freddy said, standing up and trying to keep his balance. "I bet there's some there!"

Everyone headed to the kitchen. "I don't know, guys. I mean, why would a family establishment carry-" ATF began to question… until Freddy opened a kitchen cabinet and revealed it was stocked with every kind of alcoholic beverage under the sun.

"What, you think half the daytime staff around here do their job sober?" Bonnie scoffed. "Toss us some Bacardi, Freddy!"

"I will… as soon as the words focus!" Freddy replied, as the words were blurred in his vision.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" came a shout, and la-di-da, Chica stormed over. "There is no way you guys are raiding my kitchen! It's bad enough some kid keeps stealing my cupcakes- now you guys think you can just waltz in here and take whatever you want?!"

"Oh, here we go! Get ready for the lecture train with Li'l Miss Kill-Joy!" Bonnie exclaimed in irritation.

"What are you guys even doing drinking alcohol, anyway?! And why is the night-guard brat with you?!" Chica demanded. "Did you get bored of stabbing him and decided to see if he'll die from alcohol poisoning?!"

"I actually did, once. Twice. Several times. I don't know how many bottles or cans it takes because I stop counting once my mind becomes fuzzy," ATF answered.

"But you're only 13! You can't drink alcohol!"

"Well, I can't age either! Or die! Or remember who my parents are… or anything else about my past… *sob* fuck, I'm depressed…"

"Way to go, Chica! Ye've gone an' killed his enthusiasm!" Foxy snapped.

"WHY are you helping him anyway?! As soon as he's happy again, he's just going to harass us!"

"Hey, it's better to be heckled by a happy person than watch someone be sad!" Freddy sneered, handing ATF a bottle of Cupcake Wine.

"…Plus, it gives us a good excuse to get wasted." Bonnie added.

Chica groaned, rubbing her face. "…Whatever. But stay out of my kitchen! I don't want you guys raiding the pantries." She shoved Freddy away from the cabinet and handed everyone each a bottle of beer.

"But… what if we run out?" ATF asked.

"Then I'll bring you some- at least then I can keep track of your intake,"

"Geez, you sound like my brother!" Freddy scoffed.

The guys sat down at a table in the dining area. "Hey… let's see who can chug the fastest!" Bonnie replied.

"Yer on!" Foxy exclaimed.

They all chugged their brain-cell-killing beverages, emptying their bottles within 30 seconds. Each. "Tie…" ATF replied.

"CHICA! We need another round out here!" Bonnie called to the kitchen.

Chica, with a deadpanned expression, walked out and handed them each another bottle of booze.

"Round two!" Foxy announced.

Everyone guzzled down their drinks, this time in under 20 seconds each. "Chiiiiica! One more round, please!" ATF called.

Chica brought them more. "WOOO!" They all shouted, and she watched as they chugged their beverages.

"Chica!" Bonnie called for a third round.

Chica watched as they chugged their beer.

"Chica-boom!" ATF called on the 10th round.

"Chica-ling!" Freddy slurred on the 27th round, while Foxy and Bonnie build a pyramid from bottles.

"Schicla…!" Foxy slurred on the 59th round.

"CHICA!" ATF bellowed, slamming his fists on the table, making 347 stacked bottles jump in the air, one of them falling on Freddy's head.

"…I think it's time to cut you guys off," Chica sneered, then walked off and locked the doors to the kitchen.

"You whore!" Bonnie shouted in a slur before passing out.

"…he lost," ATF chuckled.

"Let's write on him!" Freddy giggled.

~55555~

Springtrap and Purple walked down the corridor, having been looking around the office for the night-guard. "Weird, he normally comes back here for a break… Where is he tonight?!" Springtrap demanded.

"Maybe Foxy finally managed to shove him into a suit," Purple guessed.

"I wOuLdN't CoUnT oN iT jUsT yEt…." Marion rasped from a trap door in the ceiling, before slipping back inside it.

The other two blinked. "…I wonder what he does up there," Springtrap said.

"It's best if we don't ask…" Purple replied. He then looked over, seeing Mangle. "Hey, Mangle! Have you've seen the Night-Guard anywhere?"

"He's on the stage with Freddy and Foxy," Mangle replied.

"On stage?!" Springtrap questioned, and they ran out to the dining area…

…seeing beer bottles littered all over, Bonnie passed out on the floor with the words 'Secksy Bihct' written on his face (apparently someone was too drunk to spell right), and just as Mangle said, Foxy, Freddy and ATF were standing on the stage; the author was holding the mic while he and Foxy had their arms around a loopy Freddy, singing a drunken version of 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga.

"What... the… fuck…?!" Purple sputtered, while Springtrap gawked. Mangle hung from the ceiling… using an iPhone to record everything.

Gold then stormed in. "What the hell is going on in here?!" he was shouting, then froze in his tracks at the mess. "Oh my gosh! OH MY GOSH! What in God's name is going on in here?! Who drank all this beer?!"

"That would be us!" ATF slurred, with a loopy grin.

Gold just gawked, then turned to Freddy and Foxy. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Oh, ye want to know what's wrong with me?! Well I'll tell ya!" Foxy retorted. "Every night, I have th' same recurring dream that I open up a box o' Cracker Jacks, an' th' kid on th' box is th' prize inside! Then I wake up in a cold sweat an' just lie there, until I piss meself back to sleep! …Did ye know robots could even piss, man?!"

Everyone just stood there, confused beyond all reason. "Uhhh… I'm going to go…" Purple said, a bit weirded out.

"Y-yeah, this just got too weird for me." Springtrap muttered, awkwardly walking away.

"Internet, this is going all over you!" Mangle chuckled as she recorded everything.

"That's it, Night Guard, you're-" Gold began to snap.

"ALRIGHT FOLKS, THIS NEXT SONG IS DEDICATED TO MY TWO BESTEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!" ATF shouted into the mic, no longer paying attention as he, Foxy and Freddy began to sway back and forth. "FOXY… AND THIS BIG BEAR GUY! IT'S A LITTLE SONG WE'D LIKE TO CALL…"

"CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" All three of the drunks exclaimed, before passing out on stage.

Gold face-palmed. "…never mind…" he sighed heavily.

~55555~

_6:00 AM_

Safe to say, the manager was pretty appalled to come in and see the display before him. He then stormed into the office, where ATF was sitting at the desk with an ice-pack on his head. "Please tell me you didn't get hammered last night!" he demanded.

"I didn't get hammered last night," ATF mumbled.

"Don't lie to me!"

"You told me to say it!"

The manager sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "(if we weren't so desperate…) Alright, I'll bite. What got you so damned depressed last night that you felt you had to get wasted?!"

ATF took in a deep breath, and let out a heavy sigh. "I got up yesterday morning, and poured myself a bowl of cereal… but when I opened the fridge…" he paused, sniffling. "…there was no milk!" he planted his head on the desk. "…why do bad things happen to good people?!"

The manager was face-palming. "…I'll tell you once I figure it out myself… Just go home already!"

ATF walked out, opening a portal… bumping into the side of it before managing to climb over it and get through.

The manager groaned, then sat down at his desk and took out a key… unlocking the bottom drawer where he stashed his vodka. "AA meeting, here I come again…!" he stated, and began to chug it.

~55555~

**A/N: Most of the gags came from "The Spongebob Squarepants Movie", the "None Piece" crack-parodies on Youtube, and a Star Trooper meme I found on DeviantArt XD**

**And, no, this won't be the only 'drunk' chapter you'll see in this story. More may come… once my hangover passes :P**

**Please review, but no flames or… um… *rubs head* ugh, can't think… I'll make a threat once the booze wears off… *collapse***

**_[Be responsible. Don't drink and write fanfics at the same time. Thank you.]_ **


	5. Funeral for a Toilet

**NIGHT 4**

**~RIP Timmy… The Flying Toilet~**

After posting a sign that read 'No Alcohol Allowed On The Premises', it was no surprise a few employees quit… and the manager had to put up the 'Help Wanted' poster.

"I swear, that night-guard is more trouble than he's worth…" Mister Manager grumbled, then rubbed his temples. "At least no one's died…"

"SPEAKING of death-!" ATF exclaimed, popping through a portal.

"AUGH!" The manager hit the ceiling.

"…Did you read the papers this morning?!" ATF continued, as if not noticing his boss's freak-out.

"Stop popping up like that! You're going to give someone a heart-attack!" The manager sighed, rubbing his face. "WHAT about the papers?!"

"There was a news article in them, about the Famous Columbian Man!"

"…the what?"

ATF gasped. "You haven't heard of Alfonzo, The Famous Columbian Man?! He's the only biggest celebrity who hasn't gotten a movie yet!" he then took out a scrap-book full of newspaper clippings. "I collect articles on all his adventures!"

The manager looked at the articles:

**_Columbian Man describes his 20 years living in a sewer_ **

_Columbian Man gets his driver's license suspended for 900 years!_

**Columbian Man tries to sell baby for $110**

_Columbian Man is holding a census for ghosts_

**_Columbian Man gets house-arrest for ride-by spanking_ **

_Columbian Man gets killed by falling coconut_

**_Columbian Man tries convincing authorities he's not dead._ **

…and regretted his curiosity. "And you read this stuff?!" he questioned ATF.

"Well… up until the final article," ATF replied, then held up the newspaper from that morning, showing the following headline:

**COLUMBIAN MAN KILLED BY FLYING TOILET!**

"You honestly believe this junk?! Some nincompoop probably just writes this propaganda to sell papers!" The manager questioned.

"Considering I had a vision about it, I do!" ATF scoffed, then sniffled. "If only I knew it was going to happen so soon, then I could've done something…!"

The manager blinked. "…you had a vision of a man getting killed by a flying toilet?"

"Yup—and I brought a clip of it! ROLL IT!"

"Wait, what?"

_~How The Tragedy Happened!~_

We get a view of a toilet… suddenly sprouting wings and flying out a window.

A man walked into the bathroom, turning to take a squat only to fall on the floor. "Ow! What the…?!" he looked out the window, and sighed. He walked out. "HONEY! Call the air-force! The toilet flew off again!"

The toilet soared through the clouds. " _~I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky~"_ it sang… didn't know toilets could do that, but okay. _"~I dreamed about it every night and day, spread my wings and_ WHOA LOOK OUT DUDE!"

As it was soaring through Columbia, it didn't keep an eye on its altitude- nor a man in his wake. "What the-?!" the man gasped.

*CRASH!*

_~End~_

ATF was sobbing into a hanky. "Oh, poor Timmy… he will be missed!" he sniffled.

"…Timmy?" The manager questioned.

"The toilet who could fly!"

The manager gave a deadpanned look. "The toilet as a name. Unbelievable."

ATF wiped a tear. "I know… who would have thought he'd just lose control like that?!"

"Um, yeah… Look, I know you're mourning over an airborne pot and a Columbian guy-"

"Columbian MAN!"

"…right. Man. But you have a job to get to! And no antics tonight! The police said they'd let us off with a warning about your DUI incident, but next time you're spending the night in prison with a man named Polly!"

ATF gave a firm nod. "I shall do my best, Mister Manager sir-guy-person!" he then took off to the office.

The manager sighed, heading out. "…a flying toilet?" he questioned, then shook his head.

~55555~

"I'm telling you, sooner or later he's going to play that 'What Does The Fox Say?' song, and then you're going to regret helping him get hammered!" Gold was scolding Foxy.

Foxy, who had an ice-pack on his head, gave him a glare. "Not so loud, ye scallywag, me head still hurts from th' hangover!" he sneered.

"Well, that's what you get for boozin' all night instead of killing the security guard! …Speaking of which, no more stealing alcohol! Your conduct towards the kids today was inexcusable!"

"Oh like I'm th' ONLY animatronic who ever cussed out kids! …little rotters are lucky I didn't do worse, wit' all o' them climbin' on me an' hittin' my face with plush-toys!"

"I'm serious, Foxy! It's bad enough you and Bonnie got my brother involved!" Gold then looked around. "Speaking of which, where IS Bonnie?"

"He's tryin' to get Mangle to remove th' video of us off Youtube,"

"C'mon, Mangle! I'll lend you spare parts so you can have a full body!" Bonnie's voice was heard begging.

"I'll seal the deal once you bring in the goods!" Mangle responded.

Gold sighed, shaking his head. "Whatever. Let's just go kill the night-guard!"

"Waaaay ahead of you!" Purple replied, walking towards the hall.

"Last one there has to clean up the blood!" Springtrap exclaimed, rushing past him.

All the animatronics stormed down the hall towards the office. "Alright, kid, get ready for the ass-kicking of a-!" Gold was exclaiming…

…pausing when he saw Freddy and Marion in the office, watching a video with ATF. "TuRn Up ThE vOlUmE kId, I cAn'T hEaR!" Marion was saying.

"Well, that's because you don't have ears," ATF quipped.

Marion strangled him. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE PUNS!?"

"Uh, that wasn't much of a pun- oh, the advertisement's over! It's on!" Freddy exclaimed.

"What are you guys doing?!" Springtrap demanded.

"Shush! They're talking about the funeral!"

"What funeral?" Chica asked.

"Just watch!" ATF whispered.

The animatronics looked at each other, then looked at the screen.

"We are here live at the memorial service for one of the most famous celebrities of our time," a news-reporter was stating. "On February 2nd, 2016, life got a little less sanitary as we lost the long-beloved bathroom necessity, Timmy the Flying Toilet,"

"…what?" Gold questioned, confused.

"SHUSH!" Freddy, ATF, and Marion scolded.

"Timmy was flying throughout the country, as he did every third Saturday of each month," the news-reporter continued. "Unfortunately, while bursting into a random song heard by dozens, he wasn't paying attention to his altitude and soared lower to the ground- so low, that he ended up crashing into another well-known celebrity, Alfonzo, also known as The Columbian Man. Authorities arrived on the scene, seeing porcelain glass shattered all around Alfonzo and- double-checking to make sure he was dead this time and not just unconscious- proclaimed both of them dead.

"Timmy's funeral was attended by the following: 200 custodians, 7000 Air Force officers, 600 toilet-brushes, 44 outhouses, 23 Port-A-Potties, 32 Toilet Paper manufacturers, and 322 dogs. The president himself attended the funeral, and had this to say…"

"'Of all the toilets I've come to know… His seat was the cleanest,'" The president said in a clip, before breaking into a sob and bawling on his podium. "Why must the good ones go?! Why couldn't it have been the sink?! WHY?!'"

"As for The Columbian Man's service, it was visited by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, his old driver's license, a baby, 12 partners of his ride-by spankings, 425 ghosts, 50 coconuts, and 50 0 State Troopers, one from every state he visited.

"Surely, this is a sad day for all of America. They will be missed…" The news reporter wrapped up, her lip trembling. "It's so sad… Why are all the legends going!? Why couldn't it be the Kardeshians?! WAAAAHHHH!"

The video ended. Marion was wiping away a tear, ATF was hugging a Foxy plushie tightly with his lip trembling, and Freddy was blowing his nose. "Poor Timmy… He was so young!" Freddy sobbed.

"Oh COME ON!" Purple shouted. "A flying toilet?! Really?! Even as an animatronic that comes to life and kills someone each night, I don't even believe that!"

ATF gasped. "How dare you mock Timmy's legacy, post-death! You should be stoned, you fiend! STOOOOONED!" he shouted, pointing at him.

"You have to admit, it is pretty ridiculous," Bonnie scoffed, crossing his arms. "A man killed by a flying, singing toilet? I've seen more convincing articles in the National Enquirer!"

"Bonnie, how can you be so heartless?!" Freddy gasped. "Timmy was a national hero- he taught us that science can't hold you back, and gave all toilets hope that they, too, could reach the skies! …And here YOU are, talking poo about him! You devil-woman!"

"TOILETS CAN'T FLY!" Purple shouted. "Much less go around killing people!

*descending whistle*

Everyone froze.

"…I'm about to get hit by a toilet, aren't I?" Purple gulped.

"Nope." ATF said, looking up.

"Oh, good…"

*CRASH!*

A bathroom sink fell through the ceiling, landing on Purple!

"…It was the sink!" ATF replied with a goofy grin.

" _~Fly on the wings of love, fly baby flyyy-"_ the sink was singing, until it noticed it had crashed. Thankfully, it was wearing a helmet. "…Oh! Um, sorry… Did I crash into anyone or anything?"

Everyone stared.

"I tHiNk I'lL gO hAnG oUt In ThE bAsEmEnT…" Marion said, awkwardly leaving the room.

"Y-Yeah, same here…" Chica agreed, while putting on a helmet.

"Camp out downstairs!" Freddy agreed, holding an umbrella above his head.

ATF watched the animatronics leave. "Well, that was unexpected…" he stated.

*CRASH!*

…A bathtub fell on him just then.

"…as… was… that…" he groaned, crushed.

~55555~

_~6:00 AM~_

The manager came in… seeing that a chunk of the office ceiling was gone, a bathtub and sink were being hauled out on stretchers towards an ambulance, all the animatronics were wearing helmets, and someone put up a sign that read 'Beware of Falling Bathroom Appliances'.

ATF came walking out, having an ice-pack on his head. "Don't ask- don't even ask!" he snapped, storming out.

The manager blinked. "…I don't even want to know," he sighed… then heard a descending whistle as a shadow fell over him. He looked up. "…Is that a shower-AUGH!"

*CRASH!*

~55555~

**A/N: …This was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend on Facebook. (Credit goes to you, Fanatic97!) XD**

**_~In Memory of Alfonzo (The Columbian Guy) and Timmy the Flying Toilet. May heaven greet you both with a new driver's license and toilet-cleaner!~_ **

**Okay, review. No flames unless you want to get hit with bathroom appliances next!**


	6. POWDERED SUGAR! WOO! 8D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATF can't have powdered sugar.
> 
> This chapter pretty sums up why.

**NIGHT 5**

***Sugar-High Nightmare***

After a night recuperating in the hospital (as well as taking out an insurance policy for flying appliances) the manager decided to have a word with the police about his newest employee.

"I've been thinking," Mister Manager said, while keeping an ice-pack on his bandaged scalp. "Ever since he first arrived, no murders have been happening- yet I keep walking in on bizarre situations. I can't help but think the kid is involved with the murderer!"

"Well, we do have records of him in jail- but only because of DUI," The chief replied, looking at a file. "But, he made up for it with community service, volunteer work at animal shelters, and serving as a human-shield for a few hostages in critical situations. …Oh, and he once ate a bomb before it detonated a building."

"I remember that. …Gave a new meaning to 'explosive diarrhea', ha ha!" the deputy joked.

*Thonk!* A blue plastic ball hit the deputy, coming from Marion's trap door. Everyone looked around, but didn't see anything.

"…Why is it that someone gets hit with something whenever a pun is dropped?"

"One of the many mysteries about this place," the chief answered. He turned to the manager. "Look, Manny- if you're so skeptical of this kid, we'll find someone to take his place every few nights. Call in some volunteers or something with nothing to do on the weekends,"

"I suppose that could work…" the manager agreed, rubbing his chin. "Have someone come in here and 'relieve' ATF every few nights, do some extra investigating, and find out whether or not that kid is part of these murders!"

"…Provided they don't get killed." The deputy scoffed.

The manager considered this. "Right… Are there any more immortals out there?"

"Not to our knowledge. But, we can line up a few people who have experience with dangerous situations," the chief answered. "We'll call you once we find someone. In the meantime, find a reason to give the kid time off- you know, that way he doesn't get suspicious,"

"Pfft. With all the messes I've come to find, I have to make a list of reasons NOT to fire him,"

"How about if we ask the kid a few questions, first, before we assume he's some sort of whack-job?" The deputy suggested.

They walked into the building…

" _Krusty Kra-ya-ya-ya-ya-YA-ya-yab pizza… Is the pizza, yeah… for you and… MEEEE-YEE-HEE-YEE-EEEEEE!"_

…only to find that ATF had arrived early. Again.

And was on stage singing. Again.

And ripping off Old-School Spongebob.

Again.

Blank stares were all that greeted him.

"…Still want to question him, deputy?" The chief questioned.

"I'm afraid to." The deputy remarked.

"Do I even want to know…?" The manager groaned, face-palming.

"I had some extra time on my hands and decided to clock in early. The mic was still on, so- while waiting for you to arrive- I decided to kill time," ATF replied.

"…and everyone's hearing, by the sounds of it." The deputy commented.

"Alright, kid, this is your last chance!" The manager scolded. "I don't want ANY antics tonight!"

"But then the story will be short," ATF replied with a whine.

"I mean it! Otherwise we'll be replacing you and cutting your work-week short!" The manager crossed his arms. "In fact, I'm actually considering having a few people to fill in for you every few days- so unless you want to lose your job completely, no causing havoc! …That includes not having the animatronics set in weird poses!"

"Speaking of which… why does that purple one have a dent in his head?" The deputy asked, pointing at Purple Freddy- who, unbeknownst to him, had suffered a critical injury involving a flying sink in the previous chapter.

"As the narrator just said, he got hit with a flying sink." ATF answered.

The policemen exchanged looks. They turned to the manager. "Don't ask…" the manager deadpanned. "Just get to work, ATF!"

ATF looked at his watch. "Er, hold on, is there time for me to run to the store for snacks?"

"NO." With that, the manager stormed out.

The deputy handed ATF a box of donuts. "Here, kid. You can munch on these." He said.

"Awesome-sauce!" ATF exclaimed, then ran to the office.

The two cops walked out of the building and to their squad car. "That was our last box of donuts, deputy! Why'd you hand it over?!" the chief demanded.

The deputy smirked. "I snuck a microphone inside it. Now, if he talks to anyone, we'll have evidence!" he answered.

The chief blinked, scratching his head. "Huh. I wonder why we never tried that before?"

"Because cops are idiots in crack stories!" some flamer called from off-screen.

"QUIET YOU!" The chief bellowed back.

"MAKE ME, DONUT-BOY!"

"OH, THAT'S IT!" The chief ran off-screen, where violent sound-effects occurred soon after.

The deputy paled and covered his eyes, suddenly wishing he listened to his mother and became a professional dancer.

~55555~

While the deputy was growing squeamish at the site of his superior committing police brutality, ATF was sitting in the office, munching on donuts while waiting for the animatronics to come to life. "Hmm, replacements for every few days, huh?" he said as he ate a glazed donut. "I wonder if that has anything to do with those videogame-cameo visions I've been having. …Gosh, I hope it's someone from _Persona_!"

He then paused, eyes slowly turning to the readers.

"…oh, crap, did I write that?"

The readers nodded.

"Uh… *ahem* yup, going to be a MYSTERY OF WHO IT WILL BE…!"

The readers only stared.

ATF sighed, reading in and grabbing a powdered-sugar donut. "*sigh* Never mind… no wonder my sister calls me 'Captain Spoilers'…" he ate the donut. "I mean, it's not like I have full details of every single-"

He froze, then looked at his fingertips where powdered-sugar remained.

His eyes widened in horror. "…Oh, fluff me!" He quickly ran out to the kitchen. "I need to drink water fast and dilute it, otherwise- GACK! TOO LATE!"

He then fell to the floor, as the results of what happens when he eats powdered sugar began to kick in.

…If any of you paid attention to his profile page, you would know what that would be.

The author was so overwhelmed by the powdered sugar he had consumed, that he didn't really notice that there had been a tiny microphone stuck to the donut.

This… is about to get trippy.

~55555~

Around 12:00, the animatronics were soon out of their locations and wandering about- a bit cautious of bathroom appliances falling out of the sky, it took them a while to muster up the courage to lurk about.

Unfortunately, they weren't the only ones…

Down in the basement, a storage door labeled "DO NOT OPEN- STAFF AND LICENSED EXORCISTS ONLY!" slowly opened, and a pair of piercing-red eyes looked out.

Silence…

Until the door swung wide open and revealed one demented-looking animatronic worse-looking than Springtrap on meth.

It heard the sound of ATF's voice upstairs- apparently whimpering- and it smirked an evil smirk.

" _Prepare for a nightmare you'll never wake up from…"_ Nightmare said, as he walked up the stairs.

Behind him in the storage room, another pair of eyes glowed to life—these ones bright blue… and a creepy smile appeared underneath them.

Only one word struck terror into the hearts of many…

" _Batteries…"_

~55555~

Gold walked down the corridor with Purple and Freddy, looking around. "I haven't seen or heard any sign of that night-guard… Do you think he recovered from that bathtub crashing?" Freddy asked.

"Who cares?! If he's out of commission for the night, we have time to bust out of here and spread havoc on the town!" Purple exclaimed.

Gold paused, arching an eyebrow at him. "…Why would we spread havoc?" he questioned.

"Er! That's what the kids are calling it now! Spreading havoc as in… partying down until the sun comes up! Yeah! Go check out those mannequins in the Hot Topic store at the mall, 'know what I mean? *awkward cough*" Purple quickly walked off. "Gonna go find Springtrap- laters!"

Freddy scratched his head, watching Purple disappear. "You know… sometimes I think Purple Fred is hiding something. Hasn't he been acting a little strange, lately?" he asked Gold.

"Yeah- because of that dent in his head! That sink probably knocked his hard-drive loose," Gold thumbed the other way. "C'mon, lets go find that guard 'n' kill him before anything weird happens,"

Freddy sighed. "Why must everything end in violence?"

"HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!"

The shout belonged to Bonnie, coming from the kitchen. Gold, Freddy, along with Foxy, Chica, Mangle, Springtrap, Purple, and Marion, all ran to the room…

…seeing the kitchen was a mess, powdered sugar spilled everywhere, all the cabinets were open, all the frosting had been cleaned out… and for some reason a pair of pants were stuck to the door.

"This has the kid written all over it…" Chica muttered.

"What makes you say that?" Freddy asked.

Chica pointed to the counter… where 'The Kid' was written out in icing.

"Sheesh, he's really intent on driving us crazy today," Bonnie stated.

"Yeah, but where is he now?" Springtrap asked.

"He ran towards Pirate Cove," Mangle replied.

"How do you know that?" Purple asked.

Mangle pointed to the floor…

…where a trail consisting of socks, shoes, a shirt, cap, wristbands, and a 'Pikachu' watch led towards Foxy's cave.

"Um… okay… not that I want to hunt the kid tonight or anything, but… I'm not looking for him," Bonnie said, immediately disturbed.

"What… the… fuck…?!" Gold stammered, his eye twitching.

"Good grief, he's naked!" Freddy gasped.

"That's it! He's askin' for a gulling!" Foxy snarled, running to the cave. "YOU'D BETTER STILL HAVE YOUR SHORTS ON, YA DARN STREAKER!"

Everyone waited- because no one else was brave enough to enter the cave in fear of seeing a nude author- until Foxy returned…

…with a very shocked expression.

"He wasn't wearing shorts, was he?" Chica guessed.

"…I don't think he ever was, lass." Foxy then held up… oh dear lord… really…?!

"Are those… 'Hello Kitty' panties?!" Springtrap said, stifling a chuckle.

"Oh my!" Freddy gasped, covering his eyes. "I-I-I had no idea the night-guard was a girl!"

"A girl… or either a mentally-disturbed youth." Gold deadpanned.

"Unless he had snagged them on a panty-raid," Bonnie said with consideration, smirking. "…That's the reason I'd carry a pair around, heh heh."

*KER-SMACK!*

Mangle and Chica both struck Bonnie upside the head. "Pervert." Mangle huffed.

"Lets just… find the kid! Naked or not, we've got killing to do!" Purple griped.

"Do we HAVE to? I mean, th' lad jumped right of his skimmies!" Foxy protested, holding up the panties… then after realizing he was still hanging on to them, dropped them.

"Do you WANT the kid running around like a nude hippy all night?!" Springtrap scoffed.

"ThAt Is A gOoD pOiNt," Marion added. "pErHaPs If We ClOsE oUr EyEs WhEn We FiNd HiM aNd CoVeR hIm Up AfTeRwArDs, It WoN't ScAr Us ToO mUcH,"

"…Meh, worth a shot. Let's go!" Gold said.

They started walking… though Freddy kept his eyes covered. He bumped into a wall…

*thunk!*

Then a door.

*Thud!*

Then tripped over a chair.

"Freddy, uncover your eyes!" Gold snapped.

"Not until that kid is fully clothed!" Freddy retorted.

Gold only sighed. "I'd hate to see how this night could get worse…"

And there's the magic words!

"Wait, what-?"

~55555~

Nightmare lurked the halls, following a trail of sugared-footprints down to the bathrooms. He entered the women's restroom, where he saw a figure curled up in the corner. "…daddy…" it seemed to be saying.

The evil animatronic chuckled. "There's no daddy here, kid. Only death!" he taunted, moving in.

The figure then sprung to its feet…

…revealing to be ATF… wearing a kitty costume… and holding a microphone. "DADDY!" he was singing into the mic. "Daddy wasn't there! To take me to the fair! To change my underwear! It seems like he doesn't CAAAAAARRRRRRRE!"

*CRASH!*

The tone of his voice make the mirrors shatter. As well as the sinks. And the toilets.

Nightmare paused. "What the hell…?" he questioned.

ATF… whose pupils were enlarged… looked at him and smiled. "OH HAI! Do you like cheesecake?" he exclaimed.

Nightmare blinked. "I don't know what you're on… but I'm killing you." Without hesitation, he immediately grabbed ATF by the head and snapped his neck!

*CRACK!*

ATF hit the floor. Nightmare chuckled, then began walking off. "Now, to go after those fucking animatronics-"

"WOW! That felt GOOD!" ATF shouted, popping up… his head still turned around until he snapped it back into place. "You're the bestest thingamabob I've ever met!" he then leaped into Nightmare's arms, hugging him around the neck. "Let's go eat pretzels and sing Techno Kitty!"

"What the…?! I just killed you!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"Grr…!" Nightmare then threw ATF into the wall. "Go to hell, kid!" He stormed off, going around the corner…

…seeing ATF there. "Mew," he said, smiling a kitty-smile, eyes still wide.

Nightmare flinched. "Gah! What the…?! How the…?!"he snapped, looking back and forth. "How did you do that?!" When he looked back, the kid was gone. "What in the hell…?"

"PIGGY!" ATF squealed, leaping from behind and landing on Nightmare's back! "GIDDYAP!"

*CRASH AGAIN!*

"…oh my exoskeleton spine…" Nightmare groaned.

~55555~

_~Meanwhile with the two [dumbass] officers~_

"Don't make me shoot you in the kneecaps next, narrator!" the chief of police snarled. He then turned to the deputy, working with a radio-receiver. "Any luck, deputy?"

"So far all I picked up was gurgling- like the sound of bodily functions. I'm increasing the frequency now," the deputy said, holding a pair of headphones. "Wait! I'm picking up something!"

The chief walked over and they both listened…

" _Anyway you want it, that's the way you need it, anyway you want it—"_ came horrible singing.

" _Stop singing, dammit!"_ came a demonic, and very pissed-sounding, response.

" _But mommy I wanna be on Broadway and sing with the cast of Wicked!"_

" _GET OFF MY HEAD!"_

" _But it's comfy- my tushy is happy!"_

" _Your 'tushy' is going to get ripped off if you don't-"_

" _OH MY GOSH, I SEE A CAR-MOBILE! LET'S WRECK IT!"_

" _Hey- let go- I'm not getting in that- hey, I just said-! No, don't touch that…! Watch where you're… There's stairs right in front of- AUGH!"_

_*CRASH THUNK BANG BAM BOING THUD!*_

_*silence*_

…

"… _ow…"_

" _AGAIN!"_

The two officers sat there in confusion. "…You sure you got it on the right setting, deputy?" the chief asked.

"Let me try it on 'FM'…" The deputy responded.

~55555~

The police officers weren't the only ones who heard the confusing commotion, as Gold, Foxy, and Bonnie ran to investigate. "What in th' blue blazes is that lad doing?!" Foxy demanded.

"Crack, meth, pot, or Lucky Charms. I haven't figured it out yet," Bonnie replied.

They ran to the basement… where they saw the remains of a computer-chair at the bottom of the steps. However, the thing that caught their attention most was the open door across the room.

"Shit! I thought someone locked that door!" Gold gasped.

"Oh, we'd be screwed now! If that menace is loose, we need to evacuate!" Foxy stammered.

Chica, Purple, and Freddy ran down next. Upon seeing the door open, they gasped. "Oh man… Doesn't the faculty know how to just throw stuff away?!" Chica griped. "NOW we've got to deal with an animatronic more evil than the rest of us!"

"…oh so you think…" Purple chuckled.

"What?"

"Er, I said… _what do you think_ happened to him?"

"I don't know… but chances are, the kid came across Nightmare and is probably getting ripped to shreds as… we.. speak?" Bonnie stated, slowing down and arching an eyebrow when he saw someone coming out of the shadows.

…being Nightmare, with a still hyper-and-happy ATF clinging to his leg like a toddler.

"I will go back into storage forever if you get this kid away from me," Nightmare- who looked ten times worse than he did when he walked out- said darkly as he dragged his trapped-leg across the floor.

"Uh… Night-guard? You okay?" Freddy asked.

"I'm going to show my BEST FRIEND NIGHTMARE to _EVERYONE_ in Bikini Bottom… _Wearing a Salmon Suit!"_ ATF exclaimed, loopily.

All the animatronics stared. "…Why is he dressed as a cat?" Bonnie asked.

"Just be glad he's dressed at all," Chica sighed.

"Get. Him. Off. NOW." Nightmare growled.

Springtrap then entered. "Any sign of…" he began to ask, pausing when he saw the scene before him. "…um, never mind."

Bonnie pointed at Springtrap. "Look! Springtrap needs a hug!" he said to ATF.

"SPRINGY MCBOING-BOING!" ATF squealed, leaping at Springtrap and hugging his face.

"GUH! WAH TH' FUH?!" Springtrap shouted, unable to curse clearly because his face was trapped in the fluffiness of ATF's kitty-costume.

Nightmare then went back to the storage room. "Tell me when that… THING… is out of here!" he snapped and- making sure the door was locked this time- slammed it shut.

Everyone blinked.

"So… now what?" Chica asked.

"Now… we get the kid upstairs… and figure out what the hell he got into!" Gold demanded. "If there are drugs hidden on the property, I want them disposed of!" he then pried ATF off Springtrap (who gasped for air), holding him up. "Alright nightguar—"

"NOT THE MAMA!" ATF shouted, suddenly wielding a frying pan-

*CLANG!*

Gold, quite dazed, handed him over to Foxy. "You take him… I'm going sleepy-by…" he slurred, losing consciousness.

~55555~

"Hold it… I think someone said something about drugs!" The deputy said.

"Someone also ripped off a Spongebob line, sang about pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows, said chipmunks are controlling the president, and brought up baring the children of Spike Spiegel!" the chief sneered. "Either the kid is higher than kite, or this thing is crap!"

"Hold it, I hear something else!"

They listened….

_*gurgle*_

_*rumble rumble*_

_*THHPPPPPPPHHH*_

…

_*thpfft*_

_*plop*_

…

…

…

_*Flush*_

The deputy immediately dropped the headphones, eyes wide. "Nope. NOW it's cr… I'm gonna be sick," he then ran over to the nearest bushes to hurl.

"…of all the things I had to hear on this receiver…" the chief groaned, face-palming.

~55555~

_~3 AM~_

"Well, he's used the bathroom, finally put his clothes back on, and has been sitting quietly for five minutes." Bonnie sighed, as ATF sat at a table… eyes still wide and smiling. "…Can we kill him? He's freaking me out."

"Considering Nightmare probably mutilated him several times before and he STILL acted like a pill-popping loony, I don't think that'll help." Mangle replied.

"I'm afraid to know what's going on inside his head," Springtrap muttered.

They all looked at ATF…

_~Fantasy Sequence~_

_ATF stood on the stage, wearing a classy tuxedo, top-hat, and holding a cane. The spotlight shined on him, and he looked up. "Imagine me and you. I do. I think about you day and night", he sang._

_Foxy popped up next to him. "It's only right. To think about the girl you love, and hold her tight."_

" _So happy togetheeerr…" He, Foxy, Bonnie, and Freddy sang together._

_A second spotlight shined on Chica. "If I could call you up. If every night. And you would talk with me, and ease my mind."_

_Gold stepped next to her. "Imagine how the world would be."_

" _So very nice." Springtrap continued, appearing next to him._

" _So happy, togetheeer…" they all sang._

" _HIT IT!" ATF exclaimed._

_The curtains opened, showing a Broadway staircase with flashing lights, which they all started dancing up to._

" _I CAN'T SEE ME LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU,_

" _FOR ALL MY LIFE!_

" _WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME,_

" _BABY THE SKIES WILL BE BLUE,_

" _FOR ALL MY LIFE…!"_

" _Imagine me and you," Mangle sang._

" _I dO," Marion continued._

" _So happy, together!" everyone sang._

" _So happy together (la la la, la la la la)_

" _So happy together (la la la, la la la la)_

" _So happy together (la la la, la la la la)…"_

" _We're happy, together…" ATF closed out._

" _Oooooooh…" the animatronics crooned._

_~End the fantasy, already!~_

No one could respond to that… but Marion dropped from the ceiling in shock.

"You know… when I said I was afraid of what was going on inside his head… That usually means DON'T SHOW US!" Springtrap bellowed.

"Can robots get brain-damage? Just asking…" Purple asked, his eye twitching.

"So many pretty colors…" ATF swooned, gazing around.

"That's it, Night Guard, just think positive," Freddy told him.

Chica, Gold, and Mangle walked out of the kitchen. "Well, no drugs were found, so I can only guess the kid can't handle powdered sugar without going crazy," Chica deduced.

"Wow, you figured that all out so soon?" Freddy said, astonished.

"…Actually, I got tired of investigating so I just pulled up his profile page." Chica held up a laptop, letting out a descending whistle. "Boy, has this kid had problems…"

"Did it just get really blue in here?" ATF asked.

"So, when do you think he'll snap out of it?" Bonnie asked the others.

"In ThIs CaSe, He MaY gO fRoM hApPy-Go-LuCkY tO pArAnOiD, sO i SuGgEsT sEdAtInG hIm Or HaViNg HiM dO aN aCtIvItY uNtIl tHe EfFeCtS wEaR oFf." Marion suggested.

"Well, killing him to death won't help so there goes sedation." Purple muttered. "Anyone got some bright ideas?"

"I love you, Barney…" ATF slurred, leaning against Purple… who pushed him into Foxy. "Heeeey, Monkey D. Luffy…!"

"I'm going to look up solutions on the inter-" Chica began to state, only to notice the laptop's screen went blank. "Hey, what the…?" she then looked, seeing the battery-case was gone! Her eyes widened. "Oh crap… we forgot HE'S loose!"

*Step. Step. Step*

Everyone froze, and looked over…

…seeing Balloon Boy standing there. "Batteries!" he exclaimed.

"ShIt…" Marion groaned.

"Not THIS thing…!" Mangle moaned.

ATF looked over at Balloon Boy…

"AUGH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" he screamed… then grabbed a sledgehammer and started beating him with it! "TAKE THAT, YOU DEMON SPAWN OF SATAAAAAN!"

"Ow! Stop that!" Balloon Boy snapped.

"THE POWER OF PAIN COMPELS YOU!"

*CLANG!*

"STAY AWAY FROM MY NIGHT-LIGHT!"

*BAM!*

"TELL RONALD MCDONALD I SAID 'HI'!"

*SMASH!*

"BUNNIES WILL RULE THE WORLD!"

*SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE*

With many painful sound effects and bizarre phrases, ATF quickly reduced Balloon Boy to a pile of scrap heap, never to be seen in this story again.

Ever.

Once the dust cleared, all the animatronics stood there, mouths agape, as ATF caught his breath, panting heavily.

"I'm sleepy now…" he said… then made a face-plant on the floor, snoring.

The animatronics only looked at each other. "…Spare him for the night?" Freddy asked.

"Sure/Yeah/Okay." The others replied, and walked away.

~55555~

_~6:00 AM~_

The manager pulled up, meeting up with the cops outside. "So, anything happen last night?" he asked them.

"From what we heard on the radio… man, I hope not…" the deputy muttered.

"Worst stake-out EVER." The chief griped.

They entered the building…

And for once, it was in good shape! Like someone spent the whole night cleaning, the floors and tables sparkled, the animatronics were in their right places, and ATF sat in the office, looking at the monitors while whistling a cheery tune.

…

PSYCH!

The place was coated in leftover sugar, the animatronics had exhausted looks on their faces, and ATF walked out, dragging his kitty-costume, his clothes covered in sugar and looking ragged. He had dark circles under bloodshot eyes, and just looked drained.

"…I may have to take the night off, sir… that powdered sugar takes it outta ya…" ATF groaned, before walking out.

No one said a word, and powdered donuts were banned from the force from then on.

~55555~

**Some Famous Announcer: Hi. I'm a famous announcer. I'm here to tell you that, though this story is pure fiction, this chapter serves a message: Never allow children to have raw powdered sugar- or any kind of sugar- as results involve hyperactivity, lots of yelling, and cheap Public Service Announcements like this.**

**Once one story does one, ALL stories think they have to do the same- and now they're targeting silly fics like this! So please, don't let your kids abuse sugar, so we can never do these things again.**

**ATF: I AM THE LIZARD KING! *dives out window***

**Announcer: 0_o … He's not on the sugar, is he?**

_Review, but don't flame._


	7. Welcome To Mario's World, Bitches!

**~NIGHT SIX~**

**Night-Shift Security… Plumbers?**

Safe to say, ATF was out of commission, having a severe crash from his powdered-sugar intake in the last chapter…

…the crash being so severe, the story had to fall under hiatus.

Thankfully, the extended-wait gave the Manager plenty of time to find some replacements to fill in for the crazy immortal ageless teenager. Now, considering this job involved dealing with dangerous robots and a murder-mystery, the police were expected to choose only the bravest, smartest, fiercest, and cunning recruits to fill the role of lasting one night of horror.

Unfortunately our cops are idiots and just picked some random people off the street.

But the Manager didn't have to know this, did he?

"And you're positive these guys are reliable?" Said managerial-authority asked, looking over a resume one of the recruits had filled out.

"Of course! You know we only hire the best!" The chief lied, giving his deputy a nudge. "Ain't that right, O'Reilly?"

"Um, yeah… sure." The deputy replied… still a little pale and flustered from having to overhear the events from the last chapter. "T-They said they had experience in this sort of field,"

"…It says here they rescued a princess from an evil fire-breathing dragon in a place called a Mushroom Kingdom; one of them also saved an ex-girlfriend from a crazy gorilla who threw barrels at him from a building under construction; and the other was trapped in a haunted mansion." The Manager deadpanned, looking over the resume. He gave the cops a look.

"Um… t-that's a resume from a, uh… pot-head who was trying to get a job at Wal-Mart… before he blew it up." The chief said, quickly taking the resume from the Manager and slapping it into the deputy's chest. "Rookie here must've gotten the REAL resume mixed up with the evidence-files,"

"Oh, sure, blame the guy who signed up for therapy…" The deputy grimaced.

The Manager sighed. "Whatever, as long as they don't cause a catastrophe like that kid does…" he stated, then looked at his watch, seeing it read 7 PM. "Where are they? I still need to brief them on what they have to do,"

"Why don't you just do it over the phone like you usually do?" the chief asked.

"Tch, we started getting complaints from the surviving victims, claiming they weren't thoroughly advised on what to expect in the job. It's like they've never had to take a Pop Quiz in highschool or something!"

"…that has absolutely nothing to do with phoned-in instructions," The chief deadpanned.

"Well, the recruits said they'd be here on the dot… I gave them directions and told them what pipes to use," the deputy stated, scratching his head. "I wonder what's keeping them,"

"…What do you mean 'pipes'?" The manager asked… just as a sewage-pipe sticking out of the ground began to shake.

*POW!* Two figures shot out of the pipe!

"GAH! WHAT THE FUCK?!" The manager screamed, jumping back ten feet.

"Hey, watch it! One more foot, and you would've scratched our car- and we just got that body-dent out of it!" The chief snapped at him.

The figures landed in front of them, revealed to be two Italian mustachioed men; one was short and round wearing red suspenders and matching hat, and the other was tall and thin wearing green suspenders and matching hat. "Allo! It's a-me, Mario!" the one in red exclaimed.

"And-a me, Luigi!" The one in green added. "We are here to start the job!"

The manager's eye twitched, as it seemed things were starting to make sense. "You've got to be shitting me…" he moaned, face-palming.

"Well… um… good luck with the recruits! We've gotta go and uh, solve crimes and stuff!" The chief hastily said, dragging his deputy off. "Bye now!"

"We'll let you know if we find out more about the murders!" the deputy called, as they hopped into their squad car and left.

Mario and Luigi looked at the manager, still giving determined smiles.

The manager only face-palmed. "You two wait in the dining room… I'm going to go to my office and cry," he groaned.

*5*5*5*5*5*

After 2 hours of crying, drinking a six-pack, sobbing about how he should have gone to college, ranting about his divorce and child support, something about his old part-time job at Wal-Mart, and finally running into the street and screaming at the sky (which was emotionally hurt as it did nothing wrong), Mister Manager finally regained a bit of his sanity and mainly told the plumbers that they just had to watch the cameras and inform him of any suspicious characters.

He then drove home to cry some more.

And no one ate dinner that night.

ANYWAY…

Mario sat in the office, looking at the cameras. "Hey-a Luigi, why don't you go look around a bit, eh? Make sure all the doors are locked and stuff," he said, getting bored after just two minutes.

"Why me?" Luigi whimpered, as the building was dark. "It's dark in here!"

Mario rolled his eyes. "So use the flashlight!"

Luigi groaned, grabbing the flashlight and walking out. "…wouldn't have to deal with this-a _merda_ if I were the title-character…" he muttered.

Mario rolled his eyes, turning on the cameras-

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

…freaking out when Marion appeared on-screen.

(Hey, I just realized their names are similar! Just take out the 'N' in 'Marion' and-)

"WHY IS THERE AN IMAGE OF MICHAEL MEYERS STARING AT ME?!"

…okay forget the trivia.

We turn to the screen- only to see a picture of Mike Meyers (the celebrity, not the serial killer) now on the screen. (ducked down below the camera, holding up the picture, Marion was snickering).

Luigi ran in. "What?! What's wrong?!"

"T-The camera…! Look at the camera!"

Luigi looked…

Seeing just a shot of the dining area, all the animatronics in-place.

He gave his brother a look. "Bro, if you're just doing this to freak me out, I'm-a telling Princess Peach you were the one who clogged the toilet at her last party!"

"Oh come on! It wasn't my fault- someone added paprika to the pasta! You know what paprika does to my stomach!"

Luigi rolled his eyes. "Just don't scream again unless it's important!" he then walked out.

Mario sighed, turning back to the cameras…

Seeing Marion staring right at him again!

"AUGH! LUIGI! IT'S BACK!"

Luigi raced in. "What's back?!"

"Look-!" Mario pointed… but Marion disappeared, the camera just showing the hallway. "But- but- but…!"

Luigi scowled. "Are you going to pull this all night?!"

"I'm serious! Something was there!"

"Mario, I swear, if you pull this stunt again, I'm telling Toad the REAL reason you won't add him on Facebook!" he then stormed out.

Mario turned back to the cameras…

Seeing Marion holding up a picture of the last security guard who worked here… post-shift. 0_0

"GAH! THAT IS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I'VE EVER SEEN!" Mario screamed the obvious.

Luigi raced in. "What is it now!?"

"Don't look, bro! It's too disturbing!" Mario warned.

Luigi looked anyway… and gave a deadpanned expression, as the only thing on the screen was a picture of King Koopa in a bath-towel and shower-cap, looking at the camera in girlish shock.

Luigi blinked. "…I thought you said you were keeping off those websites?!" he scolded.

Mario's eye twitched. He then took the flashlight from Luigi, rubbing his eyes. "You stay here and watch the cameras… I'll go look around."

Luigi shrugged, sitting down as Mario walked out.

~55555~

A short while later, the animatronics were on the move. "I haven't seen the kid running around… You think he had a heart-attack from all that sugar and died?" Springtrap asked Purple as they stalked around.

"If he hasn't died from getting mutilated, what makes you think a heart-attack would stop him?" Purple scoffed, slowing down his pace and pondering. "…Come to think of it, something about him is starting to jog my memory-database. I feel like I've come across someone like him before."

"Yeah… actually he does seem familiar- immortal, making wise-cracks, hard to kill… You think he's related to Deadpool?"

* _whiz-whop-whiz-whop*_

"That's not what I meant!" Purple snapped. "I've seen him before- I just can't remember where…"

"Ah all these kids look the same to me. Let's just kill him and get on with the night," Springtrap scoffed.

_*whiz-whop-whiz-whop-whiz-whop*_

"I'm telling you, something about that kid is- what the fuck is that sound?!" Purple demanded, looking around.

"Oh, you hear it too? Good- for a minute, I figured my receivers were shorting out after this past week." Springtrap replied.

*whiz-whop-whiz-whop… boing!... whiz-whop-whiz-whop!*

"It's over here!" Purple looked around the corner…

Seeing Bonnie lying on the ground, rubbing his head! "Bonnie?! What happened?!" Springtrap asked.

"Ugh, I heard this weird sound, saw some plumber running around… and when I tried to lunge at him, the fat-ass jumped on my head!" Bonnie replied, going in-and-out of consciousness. "…why is everything going black…?"

*thud!*

"Shit… must've put a number on him to just to knock him out like that," Purple commented.

"Considering a fat-guy jumped on his head, I wouldn't be surprised!"Springtrap retorted. "We'd better be on the lookout-"

"LOOK OUT!"

*CRASH!*

"FREDDY, NOOOOO!"

Springtrap and Purple looked at each other and rushed over to one of the hallways, seeing Freddy lying on the ground, Gold kneeling beside him… a green turtle-shell wobbling nearby. "They got me, bro… shot down by a turtle-shell! What a way to go!" Freddy whimpered.

"You're not going anywhere!" Gold sobbed. "You listen to me, Frederick Fazbear! YOU are NOT going ANYWHERE!"

Freddy wheezed. "The light…! I see the bright light!"

"That's because you're staring at the ceiling lights, Freddy!"

"Go on without me, Gold! WATCH OUT FOR THE SHELLS!" With that… Freddy went offline.

"Fred? Freddy…?! FREEEDDDDYYYYYYYYYY!" Gold then shook his fist at the sky. "CURSE YOU, RED PLUMBER-MAN!"

All went silent.

"Um… Gold? You DO realize he's not really dead, right?" Springtrap deadpanned, walking over.

"SHHH!" Gold hissed. "This is the only way he'll keep quiet! …I'll tell him the truth before we open."

Purple rolled his eyes. "So this plumber… where did he go?"

Gold shrugged. "I dunno- all I saw was a green turtle-shell shooting down the hall, Freddy knocked me out of the way, it tripped him, and some plumber in red overalls took off running!"

"We'd better find him before anything else weird happens," Purple stated.

Chica came walking up. "Um, guys? Any reason why there's a red, white-spotted flower with teeth growing in-and-out _of the toilet?!"_ she asked, thumbing towards the women's restroom.

Everyone blinked.

"Too late," Springtrap sighed.

~55555~

Meanwhile with Luigi, he was staring at the cameras… flicking through the screens as some were static, others showed empty rooms, and one kept showing that picture of Koopa in his bath-towel.

Mario came in at this point. "Well? What did you see?" Luigi asked.

"It's just those robots. I keep thinking someone broke in, but it's just one of them walking around! I actually wasted my only green-shell on one of them!" Mario scoffed. "Anything on the monitors?"

"Nada." He switched a camera… showing one area still under construction. "Oh? What's-a this?"

"Must be a new area they're working on…" Mario said, then gave a smirk. "Hey… you thinking what I'M-a thinking?"

Luigi grinned. "I call the Number 7!"

~55555~

Back in the restrooms…

"GAAAHHHH!"

…Purple, Springtrap, and Gold were running out, drenched and having remains of leaves and stems hanging off themselves. "Well… *cough* we got all the plants out…!" Gold wheezed.

"Next time I see a flower, I'm shooting it…" Springtrap groused.

"Finally," Chica- who was sitting nearby reading a magazine- scoffed before walking back in the bathroom. "Now I can finally- whoa whoa WHOOOAAA!"

The three animatronics looked back in… seeing Chica sink down one of the toilets!

"What the fuck is happening tonight?!" Purple screamed.

"I don't know- but I'm getting the fuck out of here!" Springtrap replied, running down the hall.

He was almost to the doors… when he saw boxes with question-marks on the ground.

"What the…?" he stepped on one, and a coin popped up.

*VROOM! VROOM!*

Suddenly, in bumper-carts (that now had wheels for some reason), Mario and Luigi shot by, almost running him over! "GAH! HOLY FUCK!" Springtrap screamed.

"WOO-HOO! Eat my dust, Mario!" Luigi exclaimed.

"Eat THIS first!" Mario shouted back, shooting him with a mushroom… that made Luigi shrink!

"…you bastard!" Luigi shouted in a high-pitched voice.

Springtrap blinked. "…Am I high right now?" he wondered aloud, a bit paranoid. "Am I just part of one of the kid's powdered-sugar delusions…?!"

"OUTTA THE WAY, SPRINGS!"

"What the- GAH!" Springtrap took off running… as Foxy and Bonnie suddenly came zooming up in the bumper-carts next. "WATCH OUT, YOU ASSHOLES!"

"Bonus points if you hit the gold bunny!" Bonnie said, winking at Foxy.

"Yer on!" Foxy said, driving over one of the question-mark boxes and getting a lightening bolt; suddenly he flashed different colors, signifying that he was invincible!

*POW!*

He hit Springtrap, sending him flying clear into the ball-pit!

Purple and Gold stood there, gawking at the sight. "T-The hell…?!" Purple stammered.

"It's official. The kid's insanity finally spread to the others!" Gold said, exasperated.

"Is there anyone here who's NOT gone bonkers?! W-What else are we missing?!"

*Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!*

The two looked over…

…seeing Mangle riding Yoshi. "Wheeeeee!" she exclaimed. The dinosaur shot his tongue out, nearly hitting Purple if he hadn't ducked. She then jumped up… hitting a floating brick… and getting a few more coins before riding off.

She road Yoshi down the hallway past Freddy, waking him up. "…Ooh! I want a ride!" he exclaimed, running after her.

Purple and Gold just stared, at a loss for words. "…I think I need some fresh air…" Gold said, walking away.

"I think I need therapy…" Purple muttered, his eye twitching.

~55555~

By 6 AM the next morning…

The Manager had the same reaction.

There were turtle shells littered all over, flowers growing out of the pipes, mushrooms moving left-and-right across the floor, Foxy and Bonnie sitting in the bumper cars, Marion in front of the cameras holding up a picture of Grumpy Cat, and Yoshi eating cake.

Mario and Luigi came walking out. "What… happened… NOW?!" Mister Manager demanded.

"Oh… sorry for the mess. A bit of our work followed us," Luigi said, holding up a plunger. "We'll get to work fixing it!"

"I'm not letting you guys fix this- you'll probably just make it worse!"

"I'll have you know, sir, that I was BORN with a plunger in my hand!" Mario scoffed.

"…yeah, it was pretty hard on Mom." Luigi added, awkwardly.

"What the fu- just leave! You're fired!" the manager shouted. "Out!"

"Geez… he acts like these sort of things never happen!" Mario whispered to Luigi, as they hopped on Yoshi and rode off.

The manager walked inside, rubbing his temples as he entered the kitchen area.

*rumble rumble*

"What…?" he gasped, turning to the sink.

*FWOOSH!*

Chica came shooting out the pipes, landing in front of him.

He stared, then called up the police. "Yeah, chief? Word of advice: THOROUGH. BACKGROUND. CHECKS!" he shouted.

~55555~

**A/N: No I was NOT high while writing this, dammit!**

**Special thanks to Tracker78 for giving me ideas on what kind of Mario-Bros. ideas to throw in :D**

**Next chapter, I'm back on the clock! XD**


	8. The Inevitable Fart Joke

**~NIGHT SEVEN~**

**That Smelly Smell That Smells… Smelly.**

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!" ATF called into the pizzeria. "Man, sorry for the wait, guys! I would have been back sooner, but I had a situation involving a psychotic gerbil and 38 cans of whipped cream-" he paused, realizing all was quiet. "Um, hello? Anyone? Crap, my absence didn't cause everyone to abandon the story, did it?"

He walked into the security office, finding a note on the table.

" _Dear Night Guard,_

_Mister Manfred M. Anager is on leave. Due to the pressures (and odd occurrences) that come with his job, he has signed up for therapy and will be spending time in Tahiti to recuperate._

_He only asks that you keep the shenanigans to a minimum of 0, and the police will be checking up on the place each morning. A replacement manager will be by later on to fill in until his wits are back in order._

_Until then, good luck on the investigation._

_Sincerely, a therapist who may just afford that trip to Vegas! Cha-ching!"_

"Wow. Snapped before Chapter 7… I wonder what happened in that last chapter?" ATF crumbled up the paper. "Oh well! Might as well prepare for the night!"

Whipping out a banana, a stuffed donkey, and a pair of high-heels, the author took off.

…I have no idea what he's planning, either.

~5~

Springtrap and Purple stood in the kitchen meanwhile- plotting an evil plot to take out ATF… while hoping Chica wouldn't come in and bust their heads for cooking on her turf. Purple at this moment was pulling something out of the oven, while Springtrap was putting icing on a dessert.

"…by the way, aren't you supposed to be a man?" Springtrap asked Purple. "I mean, what's with the Purple Freddy costume?"

"We're also rumored to be the same person. Any more questions?" Purple retorted.

"Forget it… Alright, I got the dessert done."

"Good…" Purple then took out a bottle of rat poison, pouring it over the dessert. "I hope that kid enjoys this meal… because it'll be his last!"

"…until he revives again."

Purple poked Springtrap. "He won't revive again, because we're going to lock him inside a springlock suit and keep him dead!"

"Why poison him? Why not just shove him in the suit and call it a night?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, how many times have YOU been able to catch that little crack-brained brat?!"

"…Fair enough."

"HEY! WHO GOT INTO MY CHOCOLATE STASH?!" Chica shouted.

Purple and Springtrap fled immediately.

~5~

Five minutes later, ATF re-entered the office, laughing. "Oh man, that was the best prank yet! I feel bad for anyone who missed out on that!" he cackled. He turned to the monitors. "I'm going to rewind the tapes and watch every detail all over again-"

He paused, sniffing the air. He turned, seeing a casserole and dessert sitting on the desk.

"…This seems like a trap," he rubbed his chin. "Ah, what the heck!"

He ate the casserole, chugging it down with a soda. He then turned to the dessert. "Alright! Triple-chocolate-mallow-explosion-of-diabetic-delight! My favorite!" He prepared to shove a spoonful into his mouth.

*gurgle grumble*

He dropped the spoon before he could take a bite. "Ohhh… better wait until this digests first…" he turned to the monitors. "I'll just watch the monitors till the feeling passes… Let's see, I was at the part where I use the banana as a-"

*gurgle*

"Ohhhh…" he hugged his stomach, taking a deep breath before looking back at the monitors. "Oh, mercy, that's a kick…! Okay, we're coming up to the part where I put the high-heels on-"

*grumble*

"Ohhhhhhhhh…" He slipped out of the chair, sitting on the floor while rubbing his stomach. "Something ain't settling well…" he peeked at the monitors. "Maybe I should skip to the part with the spontaneous music-numberrrRRROOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MY GOSH!"

He fell on the floor, arms around his stomach.

By this point, Springtrap and Purple ran in. "Yes! It's working! The poison is working!" Purple laughed.

"Poison? …no wonder my insides are at-war…" ATF muttered, weakly standing up.

"Um… Vince? He didn't eat the dessert," Springtrap pointed out.

"Did you put poison in the casserole?" Purple asked him.

"I thought you did!"

"What… was in… the casser-OH!-ole?" ATF asked, flinching as he held his stomach, now crossing-and-uncrossing his legs.

"Just some cheese, chicken (don't tell Chica), broccoli, cream of mushroom soup-" Springtrap was stating.

"BROCCOLI?! OHHHHH…!"

"What? Are you allergic? …PLEASE tell me you're allergic!" Purple asked.

"No… worse…!" ATF then dashed out, rushing past Freddy, Chica, Marion and Bonnie. "Move it! Outta the way! Gangway! Evacuate the premises!"

He ran past Pirate Cove. "Argh, not so fast ye brat! If ye try to pull another stunt tonight, shit's gonna hit the fan!" Foxy snarled, leaping in front of him.

"It's gonna hit SOMETHING if you don't move! Move it or lose it, Blackbeard!" ATF said, opening a portal and diving through, arriving at the bathrooms and racing in!

…

"…Should we tell him he just ran into the women's bathroom?" Bonnie asked.

"Um, night guard? Are you okay?" Freddy asked, knocking on the door.

"Clear the building guys, for the sake of your nostrils!" ATF called from outside a stall.

"Oh, this be ridiculous! Let's just keelhaul him while he's on the toilet!" Foxy exclaimed.

"Waaaay ahead of ya!" Springtrap said as he and Purple raced forth… with a flamethrower?!

"Whoa, hold it! What are you two doing with that flamethrower?! Why do we even HAVE a flamethrower?!" Gold demanded, racing up.

"…How do you think we keep those crazy furries away?" Springtrap retorted, then he and Purple burst into the bathroom!

"Guys! Seriously! Now is NOT the time!" ATF stammered in the stall.

"Save your breath, kid! You're going down tonight!" Purple snarled, then turned to Springtrap. "Alright, Springs- LET HER RIP!"

…

Those were the final words uttered before the catastrophe struck.

Ladies and gentlemen. What happened afterward went down as possibly THE worst thing ever to happen at Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. The impact of such magnitude effected anyone within a 3-mile radius.

There was the sound of wind breaking, echoing loudly off the bathroom walls, so loud the whole building heard it- the whole town heard it- NASA's space-shuttles could hear it! It was so long, that no one knew when it would cease- five minutes went by and it was still going off like a busted foghorn. It set off car alarms in the next ten cities.

But the sound was just a warning. Only Mangle was wise enough to follow her instincts and rush out while there was still time.

The others were not so lucky.

The vapors seeped through the building like a toxic mist.

"What in the…?" Foxy asked, making the horrible mistake of taking a whiff of the air. "SWEET MOTHER OF DAVY JONES THE SINGER! *HACK!* *COUGH!* *GAG*"

"OH! OH THAT'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SMELLED!" Bonnie screamed, trying to shield his nose from the deadly stench, but it was too late. His sniffer was stained. "Breathe…! Can't… breathe…! *GASP!*"

"MY EYES! MY EEEEYYYYYEEEESSS!" Gold shrieked, his eyes burning from the vile odor.

"Grandma…?! Grandma, is that you?!" Freddy whimpered, lying on the floor growing delusional. "Granny, why is there no fresh air here?!"

"I'm GoNnA pUkE!" Marion gagged, dropping from the ceiling.

"How can we even smell this?! We're robots! We should be immune to- gack! Oh crud! It's in my mouth! *gack!*" Chica choked.

"SOMEBODY CRACK A WINDOW!" Foxy howled.

…

Alas, Freddy and the others only had to deal with the stink at that moment. As for Purple and Springtrap… well, they were right outside the stall when the flatulent-fiasco ruptured the pipes.

They were now stuck to the wall, blown back by the assplosion.

ATF wasn't even done yet. In fact he already had to flush the toilet five times. "Oh, shit… it's clogged!" he gasped, then hurried to the next stall to continue what he had yet to finish.

*THUD!*

Purple and Springtrap peeled off the wall. "We *cough cough* got to get out of here! *hack!* This gas will kill us all!" Purple gagged as they army-crawled towards the door.

"No shit, Sherlock!"

"Don't say 'shit'!"

*click!*

The two froze; during their crawl, Springtrap's elbow hit the trigger on the flamethrower, igniting just a tiny little flame.

"OH F-!"

*FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHHH!*

*BOOOOOM!*

[ _Insert live-action black-and-white clip of a giant mushroom-cloud explosion here]_

…

…

…

…not even the narrator survived that… x_x

~5~

_~After finding a replacement narrator while the other was put on a respirator~_

It was near dawn when the cops were able to arrive on the scene, startled to see flames dying out here and there, the roof had been blown off and fell back on crooked… apparently Foxy used the upper-half of his body to break a window… and all the plants were dead and wilted.

"What the heck happened- HOLY SMOKES!" The chief gagged, covering his face after getting a hint of the lingering stench of ATF's broccoli-induced gas.

"Whoa! Smells worse than the bathrooms after Taco Tuesday!" the rookie gagged, waving his hat to help clear the air.

Donning some gas-masks, the two walked inside the building… finding a few areas were burned, the paint was completely off the walls, and all the animatronics had little X's in their eyes as they lay on the floor (or out the window in Foxy's case)

They came across the bathroom, where the door was blown off its hinges, all the stalls had collapsed, every single toilet was clogged, and Springtrap and Purple were- once again- implanted onto the walls.

Sitting on a toilet- slightly burned but still having the runs- was ATF, who was in the middle of reading the newspaper for the 107th time that evening. "…GAH!" he yelped. "Don't you guys ever KNOCK?!"

"Kid! What the heck happened?!" the rookie asked.

"Isn't it obvious? …Shit happened."

"N-Never mind… let's just get the fumigation squad here…" the chief groaned, walking out.

"While you do that, tell them to stop by the store…" ATF held up an empty toilet-paper roll. "It's gonna take another five rolls to get me through this!"

It was 11 AM by the time he was finished.

And no one ate dinner that night.

~5~

**A/N: …Admit it. A fart joke was going to happen sooner or later!**

… **my apologies to the custodian who had to clean the toilets.**

**Please review. No flames- you saw what happened just now!**


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